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1 year ago · · 0 comments

Good Parenting Advice – The No.1 Thing Every Parent Should Know

Are you engaging in good parenting?

Good ParentingThis question of ‘good parenting’ is a common one every parent asks themselves from time to time. As a parent of a child (of any age), you can quickly begin to doubt your parenting skills when you hear the latest parenting news that contradicts what you thought you were doing well. For instance, your parents were most likely taught to sleep a new baby on it’s tummy. However we now know this is dangerous and SIDS advice is to sleep a baby on it’s back to avoid the potential for sudden infant cot death.

So how do you know if you’re doing a good job?

 

Besides the basics of ensuring your child is safe, secure, healthy and happy, there is one key ingredient to effective parenting

The No.1 Thing All Parenting Should Know Is How To Parenting With Consistency (including learning from mistakes & starting again)

Consistency has two elements:

  1. Being consistent with your parenting approach
  2. Tweaking things when your approach isn’t having the desired outcome

Let’s break these down a little further

Being consistent with your parenting approach

Good ParentingOne of the most important (yet challenging) aspects of being a parent is being consistent. Consistency provides security and boundaries for children and helps them to develop healthy self esteems that are not dictated by your moods. When you parent inconsistently, your child becomes very insecure and riddled with self-doubt. This outcome of inconsistent parenting is often seen in older children who find it very stressful to make decisions, out of fear of making a mistake.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your child’s ‘pester power’, your moods, your child’s moods and the influence of others – all can impact on your ability to parent consistently. Children have a way of finding a parents weak spot and pestering until you let go – often after a few minutes of arguing. This behaviour of course makes being consistent a BIG challenge for parents.

You may have decided to be a calm, rational and reasonable parent, who is supportive and caring to your child. But… how does this parenting style hold up against a tantrum in public? How do you remain calm when you’re exhausted from work, or you’ve had a really bad day? These are the times when it is really hard to be consisten and yelling or raising your voice can become the norm. Contrary to your explicit desire to be calm and rational with your children. So what’s the answer?

The key to being consistent in your parenting style is trusting in yourself and in your methods of parenting. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be a consistent parenting when you have low self esteem.

Let’s say, one very hot afternoon, you finish work, pick up your child from school and decide to buy her an icy pole on the way home from school. You enter the service station store and she asked to have an ice cream. You are concerned about her recent weight gain, so you say “no” and offer her the icy pole again. She continues to pester you and begins to stamp her feet and get angry with you when you won’t give in. This scenario could go a number of ways:

Scenario 1: You ignore the tantrum. You continue to calmly ask her if she would like an icy pole. You finally tell her if she doesn’t want the icy pole, you’re happy to leave with nothing. She finally calms down and takes the icy pole. Later when things calm down you explain that her behaviour was not respectful and ruined a nice gesture from you. Next time, you hope she can be more gracious. She apologises and you move on.

Scenario 2: You get angry over the tantrum. You start yelling at her and telling her she is being very disrespectful and selfish. She responds by saying you don’t care about her and only think about yourself. You start to feel guilty for saying “no”. You give in to the tantrum and buy her the ice cream. She is so happy, but you feel terrible for giving in to something you things is unhealthy for her. She has also learnt to just keep pestering you until you feel guilty and cave in.

You can only engage in Scenario 1 when you feel self confident and self assured in your parenting decisions. If you feel doubtful or insecure, then you will give in when your child hits the right note!

Tweaking things when your approach isn’t having the desired outcome

Good ParentingThere will be times when you are consistently trying an approach to parenting, but it just isn’t working. As a result, it’s making you frustrated and causing you to derail your  desired parenting style. For instance, let’s say you have decided that your child should be in bed by 8:30pm every night (unless it cannot be avoided). Your method of getting your child to bed is by providing a routine you follow every night. However, when it comes to ‘lights out’, your child begins to perk up. Every night is takes longer and longer to get your child to sleep and you end up having to yell to get him to sleep. By this time it’s ridiculously late and you all wake up emotional and tired the next day.

Believe it or not, many parents will just continue with a routine like this that isn’t working, because they believe the method MUST be right. Yet all children are NOT the same. When a consistent parenting approach isn’t working, it’s time to tweak something so that you get the desired outcome without having to get upset. In this example, a reward chart could work really well, or a written list of things to do before bed might work. This way your child can physically be involved in the routine. You could trial different methods until you found the one that worked best. Then be consistent in your parenting approach with this new approach.

So, there you having it. The No.1 good parenting tip for all parents is to learn how to be consistent and to tweak this consistency as needed for your specific child.

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Author of Perfect Mums & Refresh Your Life

1 year ago · · 0 comments

How to Deal With Rejection – The 3 Best Steps You Can Take Today

When you learn how to deal with rejection, your whole life changes for the better

Have you ever been really mad at a friend, ignored them for a while to calm down and then just picked up the friendship again as if nothing happened? This is often the way that people learn how to deal with rejection. They get mad, stew over it for a while, feel bad later for ignoring the person who rejected them, then continue the friendship. However, the problem with doing this is there is built up resentment,

Learning how to deal with rejection is often associated with confrontation

how to deal with rejectionOne of the most difficult parts of friendships is dealing with confrontation. Often you can be scared to tell friends or partners they have hurt you, for fear you may be rejected. If you come from a family in which confrontation is not handled well, you are likely to take this awkwardness into your extended relationships. For instance, if every time you tell a family member she hurt you, you are attacked or criticised for being insensitive, you will be fearful of doing the same with others. Regardless of whether or not you believe you are right or wrong.

The problem with not standing up for yourself though, is that it builds up resentment. If you allow others to treat you disrespectfully on a regular basis, you are also likely to build low self esteem.

In this blog I am going to show you 3 easy and effective strategies you can use to stand up for yourself, without having to worry about what your friends might think or say. The key is in believing you deserve to be treated with respect and trusting you have a right to stand up for yourself when it’s appropriate and warranted.

The 3 Best Steps For Learning How To Deal With Rejection

STEP 1: CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY

Think about what really matters to you and what’s worth fighting for. Some battles are best left alone. These are the ones that slightly bother you, but you don’t really care too much about them. For instance, whether your friend is 10 minutes late to pick you up from time to time. Others (particularly when there is a consequence) are important. These are worth taking a stand over. For example, being ignore by your best friend on a social outing with her new work friends.

Being late a few times is likely to be something you can laugh about or manage. However, being ignore by your best friend when she’s trying to impress others, is not acceptable. So the latter is important to talk about so that it doesn’t happen again.

It’s important to choose your battles wisely so that when you do stand up for yourself you have the impact you desire. This way, you won’t be viewed as someone who is ‘difficult’ or just complains a lot. Also, when you are standing up for something you really believe in, it gives you the confidence to say something without worrying about what other think. The cause you are standing up for outweighs the worry of upsetting someone else.

how to deal with rejection - free self esteem guide

 

 

STEP 2: START EARLY

It’s important to respond to behaviour in the moment. It is much more difficult and stressful to stew over things and to then attempt to bring them up out of context.

Let’s look at an Example

Your friend organises with you to catch up in a few days time. You contact her the day before the event to finalise the arrangements. You hear nothing. The next day, you hear nothing until the afternoon. At this time she proceeds to tell you that something came up and she couldn’t make it, but she’s happy to meet another day.

What’s wrong here?

a) She never called you to explain her situation

b) She didn’t give you an opportunity to make other plans

c) She put her own needs above yours

d) She has assumed that you have nothing else to do and are happy to just go along with her reschedule

e) This is the 5th time she has done something like this to you

Based on items a) to e) above, it’s well above time to say something.

You have a number of options in such a scenario.

  • Tell her you are no longer available and you had specifically put this time aside for her
  • Ask her to explain why she never called you
  • Ask her to give you some notice next time

It’s important in this scenario for your friend to understand the behaviour is disrespectful. However, it’s just as important for you to be assertive, otherwise your friend assumes you are just so easy going that anything goes.

It is an unfortunate part of human nature that some people will take advantage of others if they do not show how they really like to be treated. This is not because humans are inherently mean. It’s more a reflection of how busy everyone is and that people live in a world of competing demands. So you friend might rationalise that your needs are not as important, because you’ll accept anything.

STEP 3: ASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS

This is a really important one and often gets people into trouble. It’s easy to expect that all friendships should be the same and subsequently all friends should treat you equally. However, this could not be further from the truth. There are the basics in relationships like kindness, fun, respect, but the time and priorities others have for you will differ depending on your level of friendship. So, it’s really important to categorise your friends and to raise or lower your expectations of these friendships accordingly.

Let’s look at an Example

A friend from school that you see occasionally for coffee, should not be expected to see you as often as a close friend that you have had for many years. This friend is also not expected to be as reliable, or someone you can confide in all the time, or ask for regular support. These should be reserved for closer friends that you have invested in over time and who have shown you they are invested in your friendship.

Start learning how to deal with rejection today

The next time you fee rejected by a friend, go through these three steps to ensure:

  1. The battle is worth having
  2. You stand up for yourself in-the-moment
  3. That you have assessed your level of frustration matches your level of friendship

how to deal with rejection - free self esteem guide

 

 

 

lizzie o'halloran - how to deal with rejectionLizzie O’Halloran

Author of Perfect Mum & Refresh Your Life

Founder of Help For Mums