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8 months ago · · 0 comments

How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy – Today

The 5 Key steps in How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy Today

How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy

Step 1 How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy – UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF CHANGE

The first step to taking steps to learn how to stop complaining and be happy, is to trully believe that it is important to do so. So this is where we begin – comvincing you that your complaining is doing more harm than good.

Negative behaviours and language actually change your brain structure – for the worse and the converse is true for positive habits. In depression for instance, where negative thinking becomes heightened, we start to see chemical changes in the brain that continue to alter the chemistry of the brain.

“In depression, there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with the brain. It’s simply that the particular tuning of neural circuits creates the tendency toward a pattern of depression. It has to do with the way the brain deals with stress, planning, habits, decision making and a dozen other things — the dynamic interaction of all those circuits. And once a pattern starts to form, it causes dozens of tiny changes throughout the brain that create a downward spiral.”


Alex Korb, Ph.D. ( author of The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time)

Negative thinking, such as complaining, leads to more negative behaviours and a tendency to see the world around you more negatively. So, the more your complain, the more you will continue to complain – and the cycle goes on and on.

In addition to the negative impact complaining will have on your brain chemistry, it can have a very detrimental impact on your relationships. Whilst it is important to speak up, perpetually complaining about things you cannot, or do not want to, change (e.g. world events, friends/partner’s behaviours, the weather) can lead to a lot of frustration. Friends will offer you support and understanding, but may also grow tired of your inaction if you continually complain about the same things without taking steps to improve your life.

Step 2 How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy – MAKE A COMMITMENT TO CHANGE

How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy

Now that you understand how important it is to learn how to stop complaining, you can decide “TODAY is the DAY I will stop”. It’s important to undertand there is a difference between venting your frustrations and asking for support AND perpetually complaining. The former is usually short-lived, whilst the latter is long lasting and very repetitive. To stop complaining, does not mean you become an annoying person who can show no empathy to others and pretends the world is perfect. To stop complaining, means changing your lens and focus.

In order to change ANY behaviour, you need to make a commitment to stick to this change. Complaining is just a bad habit. Like eating too much junk food every afternoon, or avoiding exercise to watch television. You have rewired your brain to tap into negativity and to voice this negativity on a regular basis to others in the hope of getting support, or fostering more complaints.

So decide right now you are going to become more conscious of your negative speak. Think before you begin a conversation and ask yourself, am I just complaining here? Common complaints you may recognise in yourself are things like:

  • “I’m so tired, I had the worse sleep last night”
  • “I’m sick of this cold weather”
  • “Did you see the news last night, wasn’t that story terrible”
  • “I hate my job”
  • “I can’t afford that, I don’t earn enough money”
  • “I can never wear anything I like”
  • “I’m sick of cleaning up after you”

All these things may be legitimate, but if you voice them too regularly, you will feel that the world is a very negative place and your lens will perpetually be negative too. This means you will lose sight of the positive things in your life. You will miss the good things that are happening right in front of you.

Step 3 How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy – PAYING ATTENTION

How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy

One of the things I often ask my counselling clients to do, is to start paying attention to how they speak to themselves. A LOT of complaining occurs internally. For instance, you are rushing to get to work and someone is taking too long to turn in front of you. This causes you to miss the green light and you are delayed even more. What do you say to yourself in this moment? If you are like more people, you internal thoughts will go something like this:

“you stupid idiot… where did you learn how to drive… I’m going to be so late now…. you can’t be scared on this road – you have to go for it, I’d be almost there now…”

These are the moments when complaining becomes truly ingrained. It is in these moments that you need to catch yourself. When you hear these negative thoughts in your mind, think about ways you could reframe the situation and think more positively and reduce the complaining.

In the example above where you have been delayed due to another driver, ask yourself if this REALLY is the reason you are late. The truth most likely is that you didn’t give yourself enough time this morning to get ready or you were delayed for some other reason. As a result you left the house late. The person in the car in front of you (whilst annoying), is not doing anything wrong really. He is just trying to be careful in order to avoid an accident. So you just need to calm down. Accept you are late and make sure you leave on time tomorrow to compensate for any possible delays like this on the road again.

By reframing (with all true statements), you can difuse the complaints and start to reduce your internal tension.

Step 4 How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy – LOOKING FOR THE POSITIVES

How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy

Comlaining leaves you with a negative filter. You tend to start looking for things to complain about and too easily join in with other people complains aswell. This makes it more challenging to focus on the positives around you. As a said before, you don’t want to be fake and pretend everything is great if it isn’t. However, you want to open your eyes to the wonderful things, people and opportunities that are happening all around you.

Think about times when you have been upset by something someone said or did. How has this impacted your relationship with your children, friends, family or co-workers? Have you found it difficult to focus and be ‘fun’ in that moment? Most likely – YES. The key here is to put negative experiences aside until you can address them and be in the ‘now’. Be conscious not to allow negative impacts to affect other aspects of your life.

Be on the look-out for positives. Watch your child play and be moved by their kind interactions with others. Catch a glimpse of a couple having a loving embrace. Really savour your morning treat and think about all the delicious flavours your comsuming. Appreciate your partner’s long hours at work as a reflection of trying to support your family. There are so many things to be happy about in this world, if we just pay more attention.

I do think all the time. A simple thing like watching someone running for the bus and seeing the bus driver wait to collect this rushing passenger – makes my day. I think about how happy both parties will feed. The bus driver will feel good about doing something to help another human being. The passenger will be relieved and have a good-news story to tell when she arrives to work that day. It has nothing to do with me, but I can take positives from that and allow it to improve my own mood. It’s simply, but very effective.

Step 5 How To Stop Complaining And Be Happy – BE MINDFUL

Mindfulness is a huge part of stopping to complain. It places you in the moment and draws your attention to the little joys in life. A simple mindfulness practice in the shower each morning can start yourday off on the right path.

Stand in the shower for a moment and focus on the drops of water as they touch your skin. Close your eyes and feel the warmth of the water as drips down. Listen to the water falling onto the tiles. Open your mouth and taste a few drops. Place your hand out to feel the drops as they caress your fingers.

It only takes a few minutes, but it allows you to concentrate on the positives of a simply daily task. It quietens your mind. It does not take any extra time – you have to shower anyway. However, it has a hug impact on your positive mood, stress levels and how much you will complain that day.

There are lots of places you can be mindful that do not take up extra time in your day. You can focus when washing your hands, brushing your teeth, or combing your hair. Just think about all that involved in each process and allow yourself to be fully present in that moment.

So take this 5 step challenge to learn how to stop complaining and be happy today. You will see the positive impact this has on your life immediately.

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Author or Refresh Your Life and Perfect Mums: How To Survive The Emotional Rollercoaster of Motherhood

9 months ago · · 0 comments

Parenting Support: Stop The Advice You Never Asked For

Parenting Support Doesn’t Have to Come With A Dollop of ‘Expert Advice’

parenting-support-mum-baby

After many years working as a professional therapist, I’ve come to the realization that people often provide advice and recommendations based on what THEY THINK you need, or believe your SHOULD do, rather than on what you actually want or need. Parents often come to me for parenting supporting to help deal with this issue which often becomes pronounced once you have a baby.

As a parent, it is common to complain about how stressful, exhausted or upset you feel today. However, this often results in those close you wondering how they can help you, even if you have not asked for help! It also occurs out of judgement. For example, someone offers you help with your parenting, based on how well they think their parenting is going. they start to play the martyr. They may think “if only you would act like me, or do as I do. I have to take over or intervene, your life would be so much better.” I hear this a lot when it comes to children sleeping. Often when you have children that go to sleep easily, you assume your sleep methods will work for every child, but this simply is NOT the case.

This has really bothered many parents for years. It is quite stressful when people close to you decide to give you unsolicited advice. It is not always easy to say “NO THANK-YOU”, without offending those who believe they are helping you.

Parenting Support From Unwelcome ‘Experts’ Can Lead to Resentment

parenting-support-talking couple

Whilst it is easy to get angry and resentful when receiving unsolicited advice, I have come to realise that we need to take some of the blame. Personally, I know I have complained about things I didn’t want advice on, just needing to vent, especially when I’ve been tired. I have also agreed or gone overboard putting myself down or talked about my own misfortunes in an attempt to make someone else feel better.

Have you ever heard yourself saying things like “I get it, this also happened to me and it was even worse”. It is very common to say things like this to try to convey deeper empathy, but in the process of doing this, you can also portray a very negative perspective of yourself – as if your life is full of negativity and drama. You then by default tend to imply that these stories only portray a very small part of my life.

I have left conversations feeling frustrated and annoyed with myself for doing this, because I know this opens me up to receiving advice I am NOT searching for! But…sometimes we need to learn the hard way…

People LOVE To Be Problem Solvers When Providing Parenting Support

parenting-support-friends talking

People love to be problem-solvers. The problem with this, is that often people are giving advice, when really all you want is someone to just listen. In the busy world we live in, you are often seeing people in spurts. During these spurts you are likely to be having a few issues, but this is NOT a reflection of your life overall. These same people are not likely to see you straight after the millions of wonderful experiences you have had in your life. You are also unlikely to talk about all the great things in your life, for fear you might be seen as boasting.

Your friends are unlikely to hear about the moment you:

  • receive a promotion at work
  • are surprised by your child cuddling you or saying “I love you”
  • receive a bunch of flowers from your partner or a close friend
  • are told your parents are proud of you
  • complete a challenging course
  • break your Personal Best record playing sport
  • prepare a delicious meal for the first time from your new recipe book
  • sort things out with the person you were upset with this morning

Are You Engaging In Bad Conversational Habits That May Be Confused For A Request For Parenting Support?

parenting support -talking women

It is very easy to get into bad habits with close friends. You may naturally fall into the trap of complaining with them or avoiding telling them about your personal wins (especially if they are going through a hard time).

Whilst you don’t want to boast, there is a real downside to doing this. You WILL provide a very skewed and often negative picture of yourself. You will also get frustrated when you receive advice you didn’t ask for. For example, if you are a tired parent who is co-sleeping with your child, you are likely to receive advice over and over again about why you should STOP co-sleeping, when all you really want is someone to just give you a hug, listen or tell you it won’t last forever. You may also just want someone to ask “is there anything you need to help get through this tired time?”

Choose your support network

We all need to vent from time to time, so chose who you vent to wisely. Choose friends who can just listen without passing judgement and without trying to fix things. At the very least make a point of saying you are not looking for solutions, you just need to vent.

Balance your conversations

Make sure you are also telling others of your ‘wins’. This is where your friends get to know the ‘real’ you and can see that whilst things may be difficult in one area, life is pretty great in other areas. Before you meet people to have a chat, think about the person you want to project. By all means get support from others, but just be mindful of letting others know when you really want their help.

If you have deeper issues to discuss, it would be best to save these conversations for a professional therapist who is trained in helping you resolve this issues without judgement.

Parenting Support – Your Personal Reminder

Place a big reminder of your wall at home, or in your phone that says DON’T COMPLAIN TO EVERYONE & SHARE POSITIVE STORIES TOO. Focussing on the times in your life when things are going well, is also a personal reminder that life is balanced. Ask for help when you need it and don’t be afraid to start a conversation by saying “I’m not looking for advice, just an ear today”

Author: Lizzie O’Halloran, Counsellor/Life Coach, Author & Motivational Speaker

9 months ago · · 0 comments · Sticky

How To Save Time In Daily Life – TOP 3 TRICKS & TIPS

how to save time in daily life - time
Top 3 tips for saving time

One of the most common complaints in modern life and particularly from mothers is – “Why don’t I have enough time to do all the things I really need to do in my day?” The question on most people’s minds is how to save time in daily life. It’s a common complaint of both stay-at-home and working mothers. Mothers often feel exhausted by the magnitude of their daily tasks and feel like they don’t stop all day. However, many mums go to bed wondering why they still can’t get through their to-do lists. Can you relate to this?

It Doesn’t Have to be This Way. Here are my Top 3 Tips To Save Time & Regain Your Valuable Hours

Tip 1: How To Save Time In Daily Life – INVEST IN THE BEST GADGETS

How to save time in daily life, time saving gadgets
Save time with these brilliant devices

Gadget 1: Dodow – Sleep Aid Time Saving Device

Adults need between seven to nine hours of good quality sleep per night for optimum health and function. However, most women (approximately 60%) fall short of this and most mothers get even less. Poor quality sleep leads to poorer memory, high stress, reduced productivity, loss of focus and concentration (in addition to all the negative health consequences of prolonged lack of sleep). So can you imagine how much more efficient you would be if you invested in good quality sleep? This is where the Dodow comes in. According to the developers of Dodow, this compact device aims to retrain your brain to fall asleep. It achieves this through slow rhythmic light, scientifically designed to quickly quiet your mind, slow your breathing and relax your body.

Gadget 2: Braava Jet Robotic Floor Cleaner – Cleaning Time Saving Device

How much time do you spend cleaning the floor, particularly cleaning up after meals and playtime? Mothers often don’t realise how much time they spend tidying up (on top of the actual house cleaning). Whilst it’s important to have a clean and tidy home, mothers often guilt themselves into cleaning and tidying every spare moment they have. This leave little time to achieve the really important tasks on your to-do list.

Obsessive cleaning can also become a habit and can actually become a way to avoid other tasks that seem stressful or overwhelming. This is where the Braava Jet Robotic Floor Cleaner can really save time. The creators of this cleaner state that it cleans the floors for you. You simply pour water into the jet, attach a cleaning pad, place it on the floor, and press play. This means you can still maintain your tidy home without having to feel guilty or wasting your precious time.

Gadget 3: The Morning App – How To Get Organised Time Saving Device

The Morning App is a cheap and easy quick-win time saving gadget for mothers. It shows you all your most important items at a quick glance, such as the weather, traffic, calendar, headlines, and tasks that must be completed today. It’s customizable to meet your specific needs and will help to keep you focussed throughout the day and avoid procrastination.

TIP 2: How To Save Time In Daily Life – SET PRIORITIES STRAIGHT

How to save time in daily life, prioritise your life

If you’re like most busy mums, you probably have a running to-do list constantly spinning through your mind. The problem with this list, however, is that it is never-ending. It leaves mothers feeling like constant failures because the list just grows from day to day and there never seems to be enough time to get everything done.

The key to saving time, is to take a few moments out of your day and look at everything on your to-do list. Divide this list into things you can delegate, things that can wait until later and things you have to do yourself (or that you would like to do). Then being realistic about the amount of time you have available set aside and commit to specific times in your diary to complete the most urgent tasks. Make sure you physically tick these items off your list and celebrate any wins whenever you can. This way you will also become much more conscious of all the great things you are achieving throughout your day.

TIP 3: How To Save Time In Daily Life – MASTER YOUR THOUGHTS

how to save time in daily life time saving negative thinking
Save time by reducing negative thinking

According to psychologists, human beings have around 40,000 negative thoughts per day. These negative thoughts weigh you down and can lead to lethargy, procrastination, depression, stress and anxiety. Negative thinking is the killer of productivity. The worst part of negative thinking is that it is much more powerful than positive thinking – in terms of brain chemistry. In order to regain control over your day, it is imperative that you pay close attention to your thinking styles and how they might be impacting on your self esteem. There are many self-help strategies for reducing negative thoughts and boosting more positive ones.

Question your negative thoughts

One of the most powerful technique is to question your thoughts in the moment. For example, recently a client mentioned she was finding herself obsessed with making friends (being noticed) by a famous parent in her son’s sporting club. She began to get anxious before her son’s games, just in case she might see the famous parent. Her mood would be dependent on whether or not he spoke to her at the weekly game. She would spend hours thinking about what might happen at each game and what she could wear, or say to the famous parent to make him notice her.

What’s behind your thinking?

We spoke a lot about what was underlying this obsession. What was really going on here? Why did she feel she needed this famous person’s approval? She realised she was basing her own self-esteem on whether or not she was popular and liked. Being friend’s with a famous person made her feel important. This was the key point.

how to save time in daily life - controlling negative thoughts

She soon realised this was NOT the best way to boost her self esteem. In fact, she realised this pseudo-friendship had no bearing on her self-worth. The next week, she stopped herself every time she thought about the famous parent. At eat point she would remind herself that she was attending games to support her son and she wanted her friendships to be based on mutual respect. She focussed on what was really important to her and allowed her true self to shine through and grow as a result.

YOUR TIME IS PRECIOUS – VALUE IT & DON’T LET IT GO TO WASTE

how to save time in daily life - rushing
Value your time and make it work for you

Try putting even one of these time saving techniques into practice this week. Test how much time you can regain in your life. You will be surprised at how much more efficient and productive your can be.

Author: Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac. Founder of Happy Life & Help For Mums. Author of Perfect Mums: How To Survive The Emotional Rollercoaster of Motherhood AND Refresh Your Life: 30 Day Revolutionary Weight Loss Program

12 months ago · · 0 comments

Dealing with Anxiety In Motherhood

Dealing with Anxiety In Motherhood – How Well Do You Cope?

Dealing with Anxiety In MotherhoodAnxiety is common in motherhood

Being a mother and a therapist, I would have to say one of the most common emotions I observe in mothers is anxiety. Dealing with anxiety in motherhood is a very common struggle. Anxiety begins in pregnancy and often never leaves a mother, because with motherhood comes the worry, stress and concern for your child’s safety, wellbeing, security and happiness.

There are many stages of motherhood that lend themselves to anxiety. For instance, when a new baby arrives, you can begin to feel anxious about looking after this fragile new person who depends on you for survival. It is natural after birth to have anxieties, however, if these anxieties become debilitating, then there is a real risk to yourself, your child and your loved ones.

What is the difference between worry and anxiety?

General worry and stress disappear once you regain control and no longer feel fearful. A good example of this is feeling anxious the first time you have to present a speech at work, but after giving speeches several times, you now feel comfortable when asked to prepare a presentation. However, if this anxiety does not dissipate over time and you find yourself dealing with increasing anxiety, the anxiety then can become debilitating.

Beyond Blue defines anxiety as

… when these anxious feelings don’t go away – when they’re ongoing and happen without any particular reason or cause. It’s a serious condition that makes it hard to cope with daily life. Everyone feels anxious from time to time, but for someone experiencing anxiety, these feelings aren’t easily controlled.

The key elements in anxiety are:

  • the inability to control the anxiety
  • their ongoing nature
  • occurring at any time

Dealing with Anxiety In MotherhoodAnxiety can occur at any time and for any particular reason. Anxiety is also often linked with depression and low self esteem. In motherhood anxiety can often become debilitating because mothers often try to cope with anxious feelings alone. New mothers also often report being embarrassed or ashamed to admit they are not coping. This can lead to further anxiety – trying to become the perfect mother.

Here are just some of the common issues mothers report feeling anxious about:

  • a child becoming sick
  • children doing well enough in school
  • financial stress
  • relationship pressures
  • whether children are eating the right foods
  • lack of time
  • being about to manage the daily to-do lists
  • having a messy home
  • ageing parents
  • buying a bigger home
  • being able to afford a good school
  • keeping children safe
  • cyber bullying
  • meeting external expectations
  • what others might think of them

and the list goes on and on….

So you can see, how easy it is for mothers to become anxious, particularly if you as a mother are prone to anxiety, or you have experienced anxiety in the past.

Developing effective coping strategies for dealing with anxiety in motherhood is imperative to your health and the health of your loved ones

dealing with anxiety in motherhoodYou may have gone through life finding ways to just cope with anxiety symptoms, such as a racing heart, sweaty palms and rapid breathing. There are ways to control these physical symptoms of anxiety. Many people seek medical help for anxiety in the form of anti-anxiety medication. Whilst medication has it’s place, it is important to understand that medication only masks the underlying issues causing anxiety. Taken over prolonged periods of time, these drugs can also result in difficulty when trying to come off the drug – the anxiety reappears. As with any drug, there are also side-effects that you need to seriously consider. If you are looking for a product to take to support your anxiety, try a herbal remedy. For instance, Herbario in Melbourne Australia has a variety of herbal elixirs to support many mental and health conditions – including anxiety reduction drops.

So what are better solutions for dealing with anxiety in motherhood?

Dealing with mental stress

Often anxiety develops out of a fear of getting into trouble, being disapproved of or not liked. In such cases, the key is to challenge the negative thoughts.

Ask yourself:

a) are my thoughts rationale (e.g. it’s natural to be nervous before presenting, but I can relax because I know my topic really well)

b) how would I cope if my fears became a reality? (e.g. If I get asked a ‘hairy’ question, I can deflect and say that I’ll get back to the person with the right information. Further, if I forget what I’m saying, I have my notes to refer to. If people in the audience are bored, I can walk closer to them to re-engage them, or choose that moment to start an exercise to get them more involved)

This type of anxiety is trying to prevent you from getting hurt so it has it’s purpose. It helps you to decide whether a behaviour is worth the risk. However, often this fear extends way beyond what is healthy. So you need to question it.

Dealing with physical stress

Dealing with Anxiety In MotherhoodWhen your body becomes anxious (often due to mental stress), your body reacts in a physical manner. It sends signals to the brain that it’s time to get out of this situation to protect yourself from harm. Your body begins to react in order to push you to do something. If you just try to push through the anxiety, you can often become more stressed the moment you notice these physical signs taking shape.

During bouts of short term stress, there are quick and easy things you can do to reduce these physical reactions, such as a increased heartrate, sweaty palms and shortness of breath. The key is to find the method that works quickest for you.

Try some of these methods to see how quickly you can reduce your physical signs of stress:

  • Take a moment to stop and breathe in and out slowly to reduce your heartrate
  • Engage in physical activity to shake out the stress
  • Close your eyes and visualise yourself performing or coping well with your stressful situation
  • Talk to the person who is causing you stress, to clear the air

Anxiety is a natural physical and mental reaction. So it’s important to not berate yourself for being stressed. Your aim is to allow your anxiety to be there as a sign to help you and then manage your emotions accordingly. Instead of getting stressed about feeling anxious, ask yourself why you are having this reaction and get to the bottom of it. Try not to mask your feelings and you will have a much happier, healthy and fulfilling life.

 

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Author of Perfect Mums: How To Survive The Emotional Rollercoaster of Motherhood & Refresh Your Life: 30 Day Motivational Weightloss Program

1 year ago · · 0 comments

How To Stop Feeling Guilty In Your Relationships

Stop Feeling Guilty – The 5 Steps Everyone Should Know

stop feeling guiltyGuilt is a funny emotion. It should only be used as a barometer to gauge when you have done something to hurt another and the behaviour needs to be rectified or apologised for. A good example of this, is when you break a promise to a loved one and you have deliberately hurt that person’s feelings. The ‘guilt’ emotion was designed to provide you with empathy. This way you can evaluate your behaviours and maintain healthy relationships. However, guilt is often misused as a self-punishment mechanism or to manipulate others into doing things. Guilt becomes very debilitating – hence why there is a STRONG desire to stop feeling guilty wherever possible.

Thus, guilt is often misused in modern life. People feel guilty for EVERYTHING. Just today I was in a meeting and a colleague was saying she felt so guilty for being sick and forgetting to water her plants. Does this really warrant strong feelings of guilt? It’s a nice quality to want to ensure the livelihood of a plant. Though punishing herself and feeling like a bad person as a result of being too unwell to think to ask someone to water a plant for her, seems excessive to me. The guilt is NOT serving any purpose here, other than to make her feel bad about herself.

When you deliberately or unintentionally hurt someone, guilt should serve to provide you with remorse and to find ways to question why you engaged in this hurtful behaviour. It also serves as a way of evaluating what you can do to appease the situation and move forward. It should not be used as a way to manipulate or self punish.

Guilt is also often misused in relationships

Within a relationship, you may find yourself wracked with guilt over the most minor things. Often in private practice we see people desperately trying to find ways to stop feeling guilty, because it’s ruining their relationships.

Guilt is worthwhile if it serves to enhance, soothe or improve your relationships. However, guilt often eats at your self esteem and consequently results in unhelpful or destructive behaviours. This is particularly the case when others are placing unreasonable demands on you – playing on your propensity to feel guilty. Imagine, a partner who makes a wife feel guilty every time she puts her needs first, or when she wants to say “no” to yet ANOTHER request. The wife learns to give in just to keep the peace and stop feeling guilty, for fear she may upset her partner. In this example, usually, guilt is used as a manipulation tool in order to get what the partner wants.

So, how do you stop feeling guilty in your relationships?

Step 1: How to stop feeling guilty – Evaluate if the request in unreasonable

stop feeling guiltyFirst of all, you need to evaluate if the request is unreasonable. We see from an early age children saying to each other “if you don’t do what I ask of you, I won’t be your friend any more”.

Already guilt is being laid on very thick from an early age! Children learn incorrectly, that saying “no”, or making someone unhappy leads to being un-liked or unloved. This very poor lesson stays with most people throughout life.

 

So, it’s much healthier to unlearn this childhood lesson by first asking yourself:

a) am I saying “no” because I really don’t want to do this?

b) am I saying “no” because this request clashes with another commitment?

c) am I saying “no” because I am not in the mood right now?

e) is the request fair?

Answering these questions will give you a glimpse into why you are saying “yes” in the first place.

Step 2: How to stop feeling guilty – Assess your intentions

In order to stop feeling guilty it’s important to look at your intentions. Using the example above, my colleague’s intention was not to starve her plant. Her intention at the time was to improve her health. So guilt was not appropriate. It would have been more appropriate to feel disappointment and to accept that in her ‘sick’ state she could not possibly have expected herself to remember everything.

Her intention in that moment was NOT to hurt the plant. Her intention was to get better. Therefore, she can rationalise that she did not starve her plant deliberately and next time she will remind herself to simply ask others for help.

stop feeling guilty

Step 3: How to stop feeling guilty – Question the outcome

Ask yourself whether or not you have done something to hurt someone else. This is very different from asking yourself whether someone will be MAD at you for not adhering to their requests. It is important to be supportive in relationships. So there will be times when you don’t really feel like doing something, but you do it anyway, because you know it will help someone you love. Being there to support someone in need produces feel-good hormones and this further enhances your relationship. However, there needs to be reciprocal support within a relationship.

If your loved ones begin to take advantage of your kind personality and expect you to do more and more, you may begin to feel guilty every time you feel like saying “no”. This is a good example of when it is appropriate for you to think about whether or not saying “no” has hurt the other person, is has just caused a tantrum. Look at the request at hand.

Examples requests where you are likely to hurt a loved one if you say “no” or do not try to appease the situation/ find an alternative solution:

a) picking up a loved one from hospital or the airport after a long trip

b) making little attempts to be present for milestone moments (eg graduations, awards, plays, tournaments, parties)

c) not helping a loved one in times of real need

stop feeling guiltyExamples of where you are likely to be bullied into saying “yes”

a) you are about to go out for dinner with close friends and your son calls to ask you to cancel everything because he doesn’t feel like being alone right now

b) your child begins to cry because she wants to eat ice cream for the 3rd time this week

c) your boss asks you to stay back at work again, knowing you have an important event to attend with your family that evening

 

It is really important to be able to look at what is going on behind requests and to really question whether you are going to hurt someone else for saying “no”, or whether you are going to appease a bit of bullying or neediness.

Step 4: How to stop feeling guilty – Stand up for your rights

Ask yourself, do I have a right to say “no” here? This is probably the most important question to ask yourself in order to reduce guilt. As I mentioned above, there will always be compromise in relationships, however, you have a right to say “no” to something when a request:

  • does not feel right
  • clashes with your values
  • causes you or someone else to be hurt
  • is not feasible with your current time constraints
  • is unreasonable

stop feeling guiltyStep 5: How to stop feeling guilty – Appeasing the hurt

You are human. There are going to be times when you snap, or misjudge things. There will be times when you have to make difficult decisions that will hurt another person. In these circumstances it is very important for the health of your relationship, to look at ways to appease the hurt. For instance, let’s say you have been asked to be a bridesmaid by your husband’s best friend’s fiancé. However, your husband has been excluded from the bridal party and is very upset about this.

In this scenario, you have two choices to make. First – say “yes” and hurt your husband further. Second – say “no” and disappoint your fiancé who is also a good friend. This is a very difficult situation. Either way someone gets hurt. Whichever selection you decide on, it’s important to explain your choice and do what you can to appease the hurt. Be gentle and kind and accept that you will not be able to please everyone.

Another example of hurt feelings could be yelling at your child when you’re tired. Instead of feeling guilty and punishing yourself about this. Learn from it, explain to your child the way you displayed your anger was not appropriate and say sorry for yelling. You can still say you had a right to be upset if that is appropriate, but appease the hurt that would come from you overreacting. This way your child learns his actions were not the best BUT he is NOT a bad person. By doing this, you separate the individual from the behaviour too.

So just to recap

The 5 Steps To Stop Feeling Guilty:

  1. Evaluate if the request in unreasonable

  2. Assess your intentions

  3. Question the outcome

  4. Stand up for your rights

  5. Appease the hurt

By taking note of these four steps you will stop feeling guilty very quickly. You will also ensure that you protect your self esteem which is vital for the overall health and success of your relationships long term.

Lizzie O’Halloran, Author of Perfect Mum & Refresh Your Life books

 

1 year ago · · 0 comments

Good Parenting Advice – The No.1 Thing Every Parent Should Know

Are you engaging in good parenting?

Good ParentingThis question of ‘good parenting’ is a common one every parent asks themselves from time to time. As a parent of a child (of any age), you can quickly begin to doubt your parenting skills when you hear the latest parenting news that contradicts what you thought you were doing well. For instance, your parents were most likely taught to sleep a new baby on it’s tummy. However we now know this is dangerous and SIDS advice is to sleep a baby on it’s back to avoid the potential for sudden infant cot death.

So how do you know if you’re doing a good job?

 

Besides the basics of ensuring your child is safe, secure, healthy and happy, there is one key ingredient to effective parenting

The No.1 Thing All Parenting Should Know Is How To Parenting With Consistency (including learning from mistakes & starting again)

Consistency has two elements:

  1. Being consistent with your parenting approach
  2. Tweaking things when your approach isn’t having the desired outcome

Let’s break these down a little further

Being consistent with your parenting approach

Good ParentingOne of the most important (yet challenging) aspects of being a parent is being consistent. Consistency provides security and boundaries for children and helps them to develop healthy self esteems that are not dictated by your moods. When you parent inconsistently, your child becomes very insecure and riddled with self-doubt. This outcome of inconsistent parenting is often seen in older children who find it very stressful to make decisions, out of fear of making a mistake.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your child’s ‘pester power’, your moods, your child’s moods and the influence of others – all can impact on your ability to parent consistently. Children have a way of finding a parents weak spot and pestering until you let go – often after a few minutes of arguing. This behaviour of course makes being consistent a BIG challenge for parents.

You may have decided to be a calm, rational and reasonable parent, who is supportive and caring to your child. But… how does this parenting style hold up against a tantrum in public? How do you remain calm when you’re exhausted from work, or you’ve had a really bad day? These are the times when it is really hard to be consisten and yelling or raising your voice can become the norm. Contrary to your explicit desire to be calm and rational with your children. So what’s the answer?

The key to being consistent in your parenting style is trusting in yourself and in your methods of parenting. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be a consistent parenting when you have low self esteem.

Let’s say, one very hot afternoon, you finish work, pick up your child from school and decide to buy her an icy pole on the way home from school. You enter the service station store and she asked to have an ice cream. You are concerned about her recent weight gain, so you say “no” and offer her the icy pole again. She continues to pester you and begins to stamp her feet and get angry with you when you won’t give in. This scenario could go a number of ways:

Scenario 1: You ignore the tantrum. You continue to calmly ask her if she would like an icy pole. You finally tell her if she doesn’t want the icy pole, you’re happy to leave with nothing. She finally calms down and takes the icy pole. Later when things calm down you explain that her behaviour was not respectful and ruined a nice gesture from you. Next time, you hope she can be more gracious. She apologises and you move on.

Scenario 2: You get angry over the tantrum. You start yelling at her and telling her she is being very disrespectful and selfish. She responds by saying you don’t care about her and only think about yourself. You start to feel guilty for saying “no”. You give in to the tantrum and buy her the ice cream. She is so happy, but you feel terrible for giving in to something you things is unhealthy for her. She has also learnt to just keep pestering you until you feel guilty and cave in.

You can only engage in Scenario 1 when you feel self confident and self assured in your parenting decisions. If you feel doubtful or insecure, then you will give in when your child hits the right note!

Tweaking things when your approach isn’t having the desired outcome

Good ParentingThere will be times when you are consistently trying an approach to parenting, but it just isn’t working. As a result, it’s making you frustrated and causing you to derail your  desired parenting style. For instance, let’s say you have decided that your child should be in bed by 8:30pm every night (unless it cannot be avoided). Your method of getting your child to bed is by providing a routine you follow every night. However, when it comes to ‘lights out’, your child begins to perk up. Every night is takes longer and longer to get your child to sleep and you end up having to yell to get him to sleep. By this time it’s ridiculously late and you all wake up emotional and tired the next day.

Believe it or not, many parents will just continue with a routine like this that isn’t working, because they believe the method MUST be right. Yet all children are NOT the same. When a consistent parenting approach isn’t working, it’s time to tweak something so that you get the desired outcome without having to get upset. In this example, a reward chart could work really well, or a written list of things to do before bed might work. This way your child can physically be involved in the routine. You could trial different methods until you found the one that worked best. Then be consistent in your parenting approach with this new approach.

So, there you having it. The No.1 good parenting tip for all parents is to learn how to be consistent and to tweak this consistency as needed for your specific child.

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Author of Perfect Mums & Refresh Your Life

1 year ago · · 0 comments

How to Deal With Rejection – The 3 Best Steps You Can Take Today

When you learn how to deal with rejection, your whole life changes for the better

Have you ever been really mad at a friend, ignored them for a while to calm down and then just picked up the friendship again as if nothing happened? This is often the way that people learn how to deal with rejection. They get mad, stew over it for a while, feel bad later for ignoring the person who rejected them, then continue the friendship. However, the problem with doing this is there is built up resentment,

Learning how to deal with rejection is often associated with confrontation

how to deal with rejectionOne of the most difficult parts of friendships is dealing with confrontation. Often you can be scared to tell friends or partners they have hurt you, for fear you may be rejected. If you come from a family in which confrontation is not handled well, you are likely to take this awkwardness into your extended relationships. For instance, if every time you tell a family member she hurt you, you are attacked or criticised for being insensitive, you will be fearful of doing the same with others. Regardless of whether or not you believe you are right or wrong.

The problem with not standing up for yourself though, is that it builds up resentment. If you allow others to treat you disrespectfully on a regular basis, you are also likely to build low self esteem.

In this blog I am going to show you 3 easy and effective strategies you can use to stand up for yourself, without having to worry about what your friends might think or say. The key is in believing you deserve to be treated with respect and trusting you have a right to stand up for yourself when it’s appropriate and warranted.

The 3 Best Steps For Learning How To Deal With Rejection

STEP 1: CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY

Think about what really matters to you and what’s worth fighting for. Some battles are best left alone. These are the ones that slightly bother you, but you don’t really care too much about them. For instance, whether your friend is 10 minutes late to pick you up from time to time. Others (particularly when there is a consequence) are important. These are worth taking a stand over. For example, being ignore by your best friend on a social outing with her new work friends.

Being late a few times is likely to be something you can laugh about or manage. However, being ignore by your best friend when she’s trying to impress others, is not acceptable. So the latter is important to talk about so that it doesn’t happen again.

It’s important to choose your battles wisely so that when you do stand up for yourself you have the impact you desire. This way, you won’t be viewed as someone who is ‘difficult’ or just complains a lot. Also, when you are standing up for something you really believe in, it gives you the confidence to say something without worrying about what other think. The cause you are standing up for outweighs the worry of upsetting someone else.

how to deal with rejection - free self esteem guide

 

 

STEP 2: START EARLY

It’s important to respond to behaviour in the moment. It is much more difficult and stressful to stew over things and to then attempt to bring them up out of context.

Let’s look at an Example

Your friend organises with you to catch up in a few days time. You contact her the day before the event to finalise the arrangements. You hear nothing. The next day, you hear nothing until the afternoon. At this time she proceeds to tell you that something came up and she couldn’t make it, but she’s happy to meet another day.

What’s wrong here?

a) She never called you to explain her situation

b) She didn’t give you an opportunity to make other plans

c) She put her own needs above yours

d) She has assumed that you have nothing else to do and are happy to just go along with her reschedule

e) This is the 5th time she has done something like this to you

Based on items a) to e) above, it’s well above time to say something.

You have a number of options in such a scenario.

  • Tell her you are no longer available and you had specifically put this time aside for her
  • Ask her to explain why she never called you
  • Ask her to give you some notice next time

It’s important in this scenario for your friend to understand the behaviour is disrespectful. However, it’s just as important for you to be assertive, otherwise your friend assumes you are just so easy going that anything goes.

It is an unfortunate part of human nature that some people will take advantage of others if they do not show how they really like to be treated. This is not because humans are inherently mean. It’s more a reflection of how busy everyone is and that people live in a world of competing demands. So you friend might rationalise that your needs are not as important, because you’ll accept anything.

STEP 3: ASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS

This is a really important one and often gets people into trouble. It’s easy to expect that all friendships should be the same and subsequently all friends should treat you equally. However, this could not be further from the truth. There are the basics in relationships like kindness, fun, respect, but the time and priorities others have for you will differ depending on your level of friendship. So, it’s really important to categorise your friends and to raise or lower your expectations of these friendships accordingly.

Let’s look at an Example

A friend from school that you see occasionally for coffee, should not be expected to see you as often as a close friend that you have had for many years. This friend is also not expected to be as reliable, or someone you can confide in all the time, or ask for regular support. These should be reserved for closer friends that you have invested in over time and who have shown you they are invested in your friendship.

Start learning how to deal with rejection today

The next time you fee rejected by a friend, go through these three steps to ensure:

  1. The battle is worth having
  2. You stand up for yourself in-the-moment
  3. That you have assessed your level of frustration matches your level of friendship

how to deal with rejection - free self esteem guide

 

 

 

lizzie o'halloran - how to deal with rejectionLizzie O’Halloran

Author of Perfect Mum & Refresh Your Life

Founder of Help For Mums

1 year ago · · 0 comments

Weight Loss Motivation – The 3 Key Steps Your Need

Weight loss motivation is the key to long term health

Weight loss MotivationDiets do not matter. That seems like a bold statement doesn’t it? By this is the truth. If you’ve been blaming yourself for not having enough will power or weight loss motivation to stick to a particular diet, you will forever find yourself on the yo-yo diet circuit. You are likely to go from one diet to the next looking for the perfect solution to your weight loss issues. However, this is where most people go wrong. Diet experts and weight loss gurus who pitch particular diets often believe if people could just stick to their plan everything would be OK. The problem is that the diet is not the answer.

Everyone knows all you have to do is reduce your calories and exercise to lose weight

It’s irrelevant which diet you choose to take up. People who have succeeded on a particular diet will swear by it and tell you it’s the best diet in the world. But… what they have failed to recognise is that the diet per se was not the answer – it was their level of weight loss motivation. They just happened to be on that particular diet when the timing was just right for them.

Having motivation to achieve any goal (weight loss motivation is a common goal for many people) is driven by your level of self worth, how important you believe the goal and how confident you are that you can succeed in it. So, when friends tells you their diet worked, it is because these three elements were in perfect sync. Self worth was high enough to believe they deserved to lose the weight in that moment. The desire to lose weight was brought on by a strong need. For instance they believed it was so important to them at that time to lose weight in order to have the energy to play with their children, reduce an illness, or look good for a special event, and so on. Thirdly at that time they believed they could succeed because they had succeeded at other goals in the past, or they believed this diet could not fail, etc.

Click Here To Boost Your Motivation

Three Steps To Boosting Your Weight loss Motivation

Step 1: Trust that you’re worth it

You would have no hesitation in telling a friend that she is a worthy person who deserves good things. So it’s time to give yourself the same respect. Think about what makes you a worthy person? Why do you deserve to feel healthy, have more energy and live a life where your weight is never an issue? What would it mean to you to feel and look your best? These are the questions to start with. By delving into your self worth, you begin to find the source of thoughts and feelings that are holding you back. You also soon realise that ‘of course’ you are a worthy person. Of course you have a right to put your health needs first.

You may begin to think about all the great things you do in your life for others that you just take for granted. For instance, how much you do every day for your family, colleagues, or friends. Think about what you do every day to help run your home or office. You may prepare meals for others, support those in need or just provide a shoulder to cry on. Think about what those closest to you would say about you too. These people see the real you.

Step 2: Make sure it’s important for you

Think about what it would mean to you or someone you care about to lose weight and get into shape. Would it mean that you would be happier and subsequently be more relaxed and fun around your family or friends? Would boosting your weight loss motivation impact your overall health – for instance improve your skin tone, reduce the chace of heart disease or high cholesterol? Do you have a fantasy of impressing someone else by looking your best on a particular day? Would your loved ones stop worrying about you if you make your health a priority? Whatever it means to you… find what makes getting into shape REALLY IMPORTANT FOR YOU

Step 3: Look at past successes

Where in your life could you draw confidence from past success? When was a time that you set out to achieve a goal and you did it. It might be a course you completed at University. Perhaps you successfully completed a renovation you set out to finalise at home. Did you have the wedding of your dreams after all your hard work and dedication? Have you ever stuck to a budget, or achieved a financial savings goal. The key is to look for times when you set a goal and you had the motivation to see it through. That’s the key element to believing you can succeed at achieving your weight loss goal.

Losing weight should not be a negative for you

It’s important when you are trying to boost your weight loss motivation, to see it in a positive light. Think about all the things you are going to gain that make boosting your exercise levels and improving your diet really worth it. How much better will you feel as a result.

Click Here To Boost Your Motivation

lizzie o'halloran - weight loss motivation

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Founder of Help For Mums & Happy Life

 

1 year ago · · 0 comments

Married with Kids – When You Clash With Your In Laws

Relationship problems with your extended family often begin when you’re married with kids

family conflict - Married with KidsWhen you fall in love with someone, life seems great

Then you meet your partner’s family and soon enough your in laws become part of your life too. In the ideal world, you would seamlessly slot into your partners extended family and vice versa. Unfortunately this is not the case for many couples and relationship problems often arise, especially after you are married with kids. One of the main reasons for this is that the family dynamics need to change when a new partner settles into a family as a new family ‘team’ is formed.

When you become a ‘couple’, you essentially combine one set of upbringing with another and hope for the best

Relationship problems often arise when a new partner does not seem acceptable to a family. In other words the new partners lifestyle, personality, beliefs or occupation are not accepted by the extended family. This can cause conflict for the person torn between previous and new family values and expectations. For instance, if you have always done whatever your parents ask of you (even if it’s unreasonable) and this conflicts with what your partner is asking of you.

In these situations there needs to be an understanding that adult children will need to develop their own lives and new family rules of behaviour. However, as a parent you can begin to establish family routines that can be maintained even after your children leave the nest, so old and new families can both feel important.

The concept of being a ‘team’ in a partnership is often neglected by many couples when they become married with kids. 

childcare decision - Married with KidsWhen children enter a family, issues with in laws can really intensify. Some inlaws become insecure and possessive of grandchildren. They may be critical of your parenting practices and place demands on when they should have the children. If you are having this experience, it can be very difficult to manage, particularly if your partner is in conflict with you. The ideal thing would be to discuss any concerns you have before your child arrives. Place some ground rules in place early, so potential conflict does not arise.

If you already have children and you are experiencing conflict with in laws, the way you communicate with your partner is vital to keeping the peace within your new family. It’s important to also keep in mind that your partner is trying to keep the peace. This can be difficult when in laws place pressure on your partner to see their point of view.

In order to manage this pressure once you’re married with kids (and not allow it to lead to significant relationship problems), always keep 4 things in mind

1) Always work as a team and get to the heart of these issues so they do not impact your relationship.

2) Do not allow these differences to impact how you feel about, or treat each other.

3) Talk about why you each have your point of view.

4) The key thing to always consider is “what’s in the best interest of our child?”

When considering the fourth point above, ask your partner questions like:

  • what are our family values in terms of how often we want to socialise without our child and how much we want to be the primary influencers of their upbringing
  • is it in the best interest of our child to be left with a grandparent one day per week versus childcare?
  • are you leaving our child in family members care just to appease them and to stop having to feel guilty for saying “no”?
  • how does our child feel about being left in this family members care?
  • do we believe this career physically and mentally capable of looking after our child unsupervised?
  • would this person be a good influence on our child?
  • will our child miss out on important social interactions if grandparent care substitutes childcare?
  • how often should we leave our child with family members – what are we comfortable with?

It’s important to feel confident and comfortable with your child’s carers when you’re married with kids

When you take away the emotion and just deal in the world of facts, you can have a reasoned discussion about how often, where and when in laws should look after your child. This way personal feeling are not hurt and you can look after the best interest of your child. That’s what really matters.

There is no right or wrong way to make decisions about childcare

Your (and your partners) personal and family values and beliefs will have a significant impact on your childcare decisions. For instance, if you have come from a stressful upbringing, you may be more inclined to want to protect your child from any potentially negative influences. In contrast, if you have come from a very warm and caring background, you may be very comfortable with your child being raised by various members of your family.

The most important issue for your new family, is to communicate your feeling. Be specific with your partner about your reasons behind your views on childcare. Be open to your partner’s views and concerns too. This way, you always work as a team with the primary aim of keeping your child safe, secure, healthy and happy.

What if we just can’t agree on childcare?

If you are having difficulties communicating with your partner about these issues, see help now before you experience further relationship problems. Take advantage of our August 2018 special and receive $80 off your first couples counselling session. Simply download your free coupon here and email us at info@happylife.net.au to book in your first session now. OFFER ENDS 30 Aug 18. If you would like to take up this offer, but are unable to attend counselling in Malvern victoria (where our office is located), we offer couples counselling via Skype also.

Grab your Free Couples Counselling Coupon Now

marriage counselling offer - married with kids

 

1 year ago · · 9 comments

The 3 Key Steps to Feel Good About Yourself

How to feel good about yourself?

feel good about yourselfIn the past few weeks I have spoken to lots of people who have told me they are currently feeling really flat. They feel disheartened and defeated by life and don’t feel good about themselves as a result. This is coming from people who are usually very positive and upbeat. So it got me thinking…. “what’s going on?”

Modern life can be a struggle at times, particularly if you are suffering (or have ever suffered) from low self esteem. The news does not help either, as every day seems to be filled with more negative things happening. However, a lot of the current level of low self worth and depression is centred around what is happening in personal relationships. The increase in mental health issues, has also placed a strain on relationships and the breakdown of healthy communication.

We live in a world of Mass Social Media where we are bombarded by opinions and new research daily, so people are quick to judge others and blame others for things they disagree with. This places further pressure on relationships as you develop beliefs about what relationships ‘should’ be like, how people ‘should’ behave and how people ‘should’ look.

In addition to these expectations, comes the expectation of time. Work, family, friends and you personally all demand parts of your time. When you do not meet these external expectations, you are often met with more pressure and disharmony. So what’s the answer? The answer really lies in being confident in the decisions you make about yourself and your immediate family (e.g. your partner and child/ren) and boosting your self esteem to be able to cope with the opinions, beliefs and expectations of others that conflict with your own.

The 3 key steps to feel good about yourself

  1. Find your purpose in life and love it
  2. Cultivate healthier relationships
  3. Absorb the true positives others see in you

What makes you feel good about yourself?

There is the obvious answer to this – how you view yourself in the eyes of others (what you think others think of you). But deeper than this is how you live by the rules you set out for yourself.

The way you feel about yourself is a direct measure of the expectations you believe you should live up to and the value you believe you give to this world. This is why negative external comments by others can be so painful. They directly attack the need we have as human beings to feel valuable in this world. If you have every experienced or known someone who has experienced bullying, you will be able to acutely identify with this.

Step 1: Find your purpose in life and love it – to feel good about yourself

You spend so much time at work.  Wherever you go, people will ask you “what do you do?” So a lot of your self value is based around work.

Happiness is directly related to having a purpose.

Therefore, having a clear purpose is one of the keys to feeling good about yourself. Make sure you have a purpose and make sure it is something you are proud of. If you don’t like your job, find something within your work or personal life to give you purpose until you can move on to another job.

At work you may find purpose in helping others, providing a good service to your clients or customers or knowing you are a part of an industry who’s goal it is to serve the wider community.

Step 2: Cultivate healthier relationships – to how to feel good about yourself

As noted above, personal relationships are the major key to feeling good about yourself. Unfortunately most people persist with very negative relationships in their lives. These negative relationships infect the self esteem and over time, often lead to anxiety and depression.

It is imperative to find ways to protect yourself in negative relationships. Make sure you are not being taken for granted. If you are allowing others to treat you with disrespect, it’s important to first build your self esteem. Then you will have the strength to stand up for yourself. Being assertive does not mean yelling at others or getting into confrontations with others. It means assessing situations and saying “no” or offering alternative solutions when it’s appropriate.

Watch my free video on The Secrets To Successful Communication in Your Relationships to find out how you can improve your relationships today.

Step 3: Absorb the true positives others see in you – to feel good about yourself?

Whilst there will always be challenges in life, there are always others in your life who treat you well. It is really important to get life into balance and note when you are treated well. It’s a little thing, but even when you go into a store and you are treated kindly and with respect, take note of how nice these people were.

When you receive a complement from someone, don’t just dismiss it.  Absorb it. Think about what the person said about YOU and how much he/she values you. These are the world to remember, not the minor negative comments you may hear from time to time. Fill your mind with the TRUTH about what others truly see in you.

The key steps to remember to feel good about yourself

  1. Find your purpose in life and love it
  2. Cultivate healthier relationships
  3. Absorb the true positives others see in you

If you focus on building these 3 elements in your life you will begin to really feel good about yourself and create healthier personal and professional relationships in your life aswell.

lizzie o'halloran - feel good about yourself

lizzie o'halloran - feel good abuot yourself

 

 

Founder of Help For Mums & Happy Life

Author of Perfect Mums & Refresh Your Life