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2 weeks ago · · 0 comments

How to Deal With Rejection – The 3 Best Steps You Can Take Today

When you learn how to deal with rejection, your whole life changes for the better

Have you ever been really mad at a friend, ignored them for a while to calm down and then just picked up the friendship again as if nothing happened? This is often the way that people learn how to deal with rejection. They get mad, stew over it for a while, feel bad later for ignoring the person who rejected them, then continue the friendship. However, the problem with doing this is there is built up resentment,

Learning how to deal with rejection is often associated with confrontation

how to deal with rejectionOne of the most difficult parts of friendships is dealing with confrontation. Often you can be scared to tell friends or partners they have hurt you, for fear you may be rejected. If you come from a family in which confrontation is not handled well, you are likely to take this awkwardness into your extended relationships. For instance, if every time you tell a family member she hurt you, you are attacked or criticised for being insensitive, you will be fearful of doing the same with others. Regardless of whether or not you believe you are right or wrong.

The problem with not standing up for yourself though, is that it builds up resentment. If you allow others to treat you disrespectfully on a regular basis, you are also likely to build low self esteem.

In this blog I am going to show you 3 easy and effective strategies you can use to stand up for yourself, without having to worry about what your friends might think or say. The key is in believing you deserve to be treated with respect and trusting you have a right to stand up for yourself when it’s appropriate and warranted.

The 3 Best Steps For Learning How To Deal With Rejection

STEP 1: CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY

Think about what really matters to you and what’s worth fighting for. Some battles are best left alone. These are the ones that slightly bother you, but you don’t really care too much about them. For instance, whether your friend is 10 minutes late to pick you up from time to time. Others (particularly when there is a consequence) are important. These are worth taking a stand over. For example, being ignore by your best friend on a social outing with her new work friends.

Being late a few times is likely to be something you can laugh about or manage. However, being ignore by your best friend when she’s trying to impress others, is not acceptable. So the latter is important to talk about so that it doesn’t happen again.

It’s important to choose your battles wisely so that when you do stand up for yourself you have the impact you desire. This way, you won’t be viewed as someone who is ‘difficult’ or just complains a lot. Also, when you are standing up for something you really believe in, it gives you the confidence to say something without worrying about what other think. The cause you are standing up for outweighs the worry of upsetting someone else.

how to deal with rejection - free self esteem guide

 

 

STEP 2: START EARLY

It’s important to respond to behaviour in the moment. It is much more difficult and stressful to stew over things and to then attempt to bring them up out of context.

Let’s look at an Example

Your friend organises with you to catch up in a few days time. You contact her the day before the event to finalise the arrangements. You hear nothing. The next day, you hear nothing until the afternoon. At this time she proceeds to tell you that something came up and she couldn’t make it, but she’s happy to meet another day.

What’s wrong here?

a) She never called you to explain her situation

b) She didn’t give you an opportunity to make other plans

c) She put her own needs above yours

d) She has assumed that you have nothing else to do and are happy to just go along with her reschedule

e) This is the 5th time she has done something like this to you

Based on items a) to e) above, it’s well above time to say something.

You have a number of options in such a scenario.

  • Tell her you are no longer available and you had specifically put this time aside for her
  • Ask her to explain why she never called you
  • Ask her to give you some notice next time

It’s important in this scenario for your friend to understand the behaviour is disrespectful. However, it’s just as important for you to be assertive, otherwise your friend assumes you are just so easy going that anything goes.

It is an unfortunate part of human nature that some people will take advantage of others if they do not show how they really like to be treated. This is not because humans are inherently mean. It’s more a reflection of how busy everyone is and that people live in a world of competing demands. So you friend might rationalise that your needs are not as important, because you’ll accept anything.

STEP 3: ASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS

This is a really important one and often gets people into trouble. It’s easy to expect that all friendships should be the same and subsequently all friends should treat you equally. However, this could not be further from the truth. There are the basics in relationships like kindness, fun, respect, but the time and priorities others have for you will differ depending on your level of friendship. So, it’s really important to categorise your friends and to raise or lower your expectations of these friendships accordingly.

Let’s look at an Example

A friend from school that you see occasionally for coffee, should not be expected to see you as often as a close friend that you have had for many years. This friend is also not expected to be as reliable, or someone you can confide in all the time, or ask for regular support. These should be reserved for closer friends that you have invested in over time and who have shown you they are invested in your friendship.

Start learning how to deal with rejection today

The next time you fee rejected by a friend, go through these three steps to ensure:

  1. The battle is worth having
  2. You stand up for yourself in-the-moment
  3. That you have assessed your level of frustration matches your level of friendship

how to deal with rejection - free self esteem guide

 

 

 

lizzie o'halloran - how to deal with rejectionLizzie O’Halloran

Author of Perfect Mum & Refresh Your Life

Founder of Help For Mums

7 months ago · · 0 comments

Fear of Rejection – How To Finally Stop It From Ruining Your Life

Fear of rejection can be very debilitating

low self esteemPut a stop to fear of rejection

Fear – It’s a very debilitating emotion. A simple way to reduce fear of rejection is by paying close attention to your perception of the world around you. Fear of being rejected often leads to second guessing what people around you might be thinking or feeling about you.

For instance, when you have a heightened fear of rejection and you say “no” to someone who asks you to do a favour and you don’t hear from them for a while. Your mind starts to panic and you start to berate yourself for saying “no”. You assume that this person hates you now and this leads to you thinking you’re a bad person. You don’t calm down until you hear from the person and find out that everything is OK.

All the anxiety in this situation is ‘self-driven’. The anxiety is driven from a belief that if you say “no’ to people they won’t like you any more and as a result you conclude that you ‘must’ be a bad person if when you say “no” you are not reinforced immediately for doing so.

Step 1: Becoming aware of your fear of rejection patterns

The first step in combating this unhelpful thinking style is to start to pay attention to all the times in your day when your mind starts racing to fill in the gaps. Do you:

  • assume something is wrong with you, if people look at you a certain way?

  • worry about what you’re going to wear, just case people see a potential flaw in your body, or think you might not be cool enough

  • avoid people who you think might ask a favour of you, out of fear of saying “no”?

  • say “no” to your child, only to give in later out of guilt for saying “no”?

  • fear whether others are going to like you if you have not heard from them in a while?

When you start paying attention to your emotional reactions, you will begin to see a pattern. In doing so you can pinpoint exactly what is going on. For example, do you have an underlying negative belief that is causing you to feel potential rejection? If so, there are many things you can do to eradicate this negative belief. For example, NLP therapy, which we use in our counselling sessions, is very useful to tap into your unconscious beliefs. Negative beliefs and replace them with more acceptable and reasonable and accurate beliefs.

Make a commitment to yourself to not engage is this destructive thinking style any more.

It will take time. It’s a long ingrained bad habit. However, the more you practice, the better you’ll become and the happier you will be!

Step 2: Challenging your fear of rejection

Have you ever been scared of what someone might say if you stood up for yourself? This fear is a very common one and stems from a fear of being rejected by the other person. When you find yourself in this position ask yourself – ‘what am I afraid of here?’.

For instance, let’s say you have a friend who is quite insecure. You love her, but you don’t want her to take on her negative baggage out on you all the time. Every time she says something that insinuates you’re not putting her first, or that you don’t have a right to feel the way you’d like you, you feel anxious and just give in to her demands.

Let’s say she’s been calling you for a few days and you’re avoiding returning the call because you don’t want the stress associated with talking to her. At this point, ask yourself that question. ‘What am I afraid of?’ In essence you are scared of her making another negative comment. But… what if you decided not to be scared any more. After all, she’s made these comments many times before and nothing bad happened. You’re avoiding her anyway. So why not tell yourself that she can feel however she wants. You’re not giving in to her demands and she is not someone warranted of fear. Words can only hurt if you allow them to.

Now if when you call she goes down the same track, you simply do not give ANY fuel to her comments. This is easier when you have been calm BEFORE making the return phone call. You have to retrain the friend to understand that you’re not going to pander to her insecurities any longer.

In summary

The fear of rejection you are feeling in this scenario is caused by a desire to make sure everyone likes you. If someone does not like you – you incorrectly believe you MUST be a bad person. However, this could not be further from the truth, because people’s reactions to things are a reflection of how THEY feel about THEMSELVES and often people project their insecurities on to others.

The key to reducing fear of rejection is to ask yourself whether your response is reasonable. In the above example, it is reasonable for you to ask your friend to stop using you as a emotional punching bag. Your friend is not going to like it at first because she has become accustomed to you taking her punches. However, if you value the friendship, the best thing you can do is calmly (in the moment of being spoken to negatively in an unfair manner) state that this is NOT the way you deserve to be treated and you are more than happy to support your friend when she can speak to you in a respectful manner.

If you highlight that you’re not going anywhere, but there have to be boundaries in the friendship, then you have a much higher chance of coming to a peaceful and respectful outcome, which will only enhance the relationship into the future and will stop you feeding your potential fear of rejection.

Take home message

Fear of being rejected is a very common fear that stops you from living a happy and fulfilling life. You owe it yourself to become aware of when this fear is impacting on your life and then challenging this fear to stop it from impacting on the decisions you make day to day. If you’re suffering from low self esteem you can download our free self esteem building guide at Help For Mums. This will give you a great place to start. So make yourself a priority today.

Lizzie o'halloranLizzie O’Halloran, Founder of Help For Mums and Author of Perfect Mum – How to Survive the Emotional Rollercoaster of Motherhood and Refresh Your Life – The revolutionary motivational weight loss program

9 months ago · · 0 comments

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

Being a people pleaser

The law of attraction suggests we pick up on others energies and if we are not mindful, we will internalise these outward feelings as our own. It’s incredible how many people lose themselves in the process of trying to please others. This does not mean that you should not try to make others happy. It is a very nice part of humanity to gain joy from giving joy to others. However, when you start to second guess how others are feeling, or take their feelings on as though they are your own, it becomes a problem.

Fear of Rejection

A large part of worrying about what others think, also comes from fear of getting into trouble – or upsetting others. Unfortunately a by-product of being a nice person, can result in becoming a people-pleaser. This sounds nice on one level, but it can cause a great deal of stress when it comes at the sacrifice of your needs and desires. Further, when you continuously put your needs last – in order to people others – resentment and guilt are often not far behind.

In order to change automatic reactions and habits it’s important to consciously recognise the relationships that tend to bring on people-pleasing behaviour and then to approach every new interaction with the resolve to be true to yourself and not simply agree with others, so as not to offend them. For instance, if you are a parent and you have a belief about how children should be put to sleep (which is in complete opposition to a friend’s) it would be much more healthy for you to acknowledge your friend’s belief and still raise your personal views. What most people do is say nothing (or agree) with opposing beliefs and then end up feeling angry and offended, rather than addressing the issue first hand. In doing so, the peace may have been kept – but at what cost to your soul and self-esteem?

Feeling insecure?

Most of us have an innate desire to be liked, so we often go out of our way to make others happy and to keep the peace. However, this does not have to come at the cost of yourself – in other words – you don’t have to lose yourself in relationships in order to be happy. By relaxing with who you are and accepting that your true friends will like you for who you really are – not the mirror image on themselves – you will feel much more comfortable and less exhausted as a result of being the real you, rather than the people-pleasing you.

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Founder of Help For Mums

9 months ago · · 0 comments

Dealing with rejection is within your control

Dealing With Rejection

Rejection comes in many forms:

– A partner letting you go
– A parent’s neglect
– A friend’s lack of respect, support or loyalty

These rejections can stay with you for days, week, months – even years and as a result they can negatively impact on your life.
Rejection is made up of 1 part: your interpretation of external behaviors and the other part: your expectation of people, circumstances and events.

couples counselling with happy lifeWith regards to the first part, we are often not trained from a young age to interpret the attitudes and behaviors of significant others accurately. For instance, parents rarely explain to their children that they are ‘snappy’ today due to their own underlying stress. As a result, children learn to interpret such behaviors as meaning there must be something wrong with them or that they have done something wrong.

With regard to the second part, your expectations also influence your interpretation of events. Thus, in the above example, children have the expectation that parents are there to love them unconditionally, so they need lots of reassurance that even when they misbehave or are spoken to in a less than patient manner – they are still loved.

Coping with rejection

In order to deal with rejection as an adults, it’s important to have realistic expectations and to explain events accurately. Let’s use a career example. When you put your heart and soul into work (as many people do), you are likely to have the expectation that hard work equals validation, recognition and financial rewards. However, this is not necessarily the case. Hard work gives you a better chance of attaining these things, however if you fail to take opportunities, voice your desire for financial incentives/promotions, or ensure the ‘right’ people at work are made aware of the great job you’re doing, you are less likely to achieve the accolades you desire. Consequently you are likely to feel rejected by your employer and may even start to doubt your abilities as a result. However, in the event that you were passed on for promotion, you have the option of viewing this as a sign of your inadequacies, or instead to view it as a reminder that you need to tweak your work process. Thus, your interpretation of the outcome will also influence how rejected you feel in that moment.

The same principles can be applied in relationships. Often in partnerships individuals do not take the time to address issues that are important to them and end up losing too much of themselves in the partnership – for fear of losing the person, or simply to keep the peace. This giving so much of themselves can lead to an expectation of receiving the same or more in return. However, often such grandiose gestures are not reciprocated. This in turn leads to feelings of rejection, as the lack of similar support is viewed as a reflection of themselves rather than of their partners inadequacies.

Overcoming Rejection

In order to avoid feeling rejected, you must change your mindset. Whilst no one likes to feel hurt by another persons actions, the way you respond to this hurt will dictate whether or not you interpret the other persons behavior as a personal rejection or just a problem the other person may need to address within themselves – in other words its their problem – not yours!

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Founder of Help For Mums