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2 months ago · · 0 comments

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

Being a people pleaser

The law of attraction suggests we pick up on others energies and if we are not mindful, we will internalise these outward feelings as our own. It’s incredible how many people lose themselves in the process of trying to please others. This does not mean that you should not try to make others happy. It is a very nice part of humanity to gain joy from giving joy to others. However, when you start to second guess how others are feeling, or take their feelings on as though they are your own, it becomes a problem.

Fear of Rejection

A large part of worrying about what others think, also comes from fear of getting into trouble – or upsetting others. Unfortunately a by-product of being a nice person, can result in becoming a people-pleaser. This sounds nice on one level, but it can cause a great deal of stress when it comes at the sacrifice of your needs and desires. Further, when you continuously put your needs last – in order to people others – resentment and guilt are often not far behind.

In order to change automatic reactions and habits it’s important to consciously recognise the relationships that tend to bring on people-pleasing behaviour and then to approach every new interaction with the resolve to be true to yourself and not simply agree with others, so as not to offend them. For instance, if you are a parent and you have a belief about how children should be put to sleep (which is in complete opposition to a friend’s) it would be much more healthy for you to acknowledge your friend’s belief and still raise your personal views. What most people do is say nothing (or agree) with opposing beliefs and then end up feeling angry and offended, rather than addressing the issue first hand. In doing so, the peace may have been kept – but at what cost to your soul and self-esteem?

Feeling insecure?

Most of us have an innate desire to be liked, so we often go out of our way to make others happy and to keep the peace. However, this does not have to come at the cost of yourself – in other words – you don’t have to lose yourself in relationships in order to be happy. By relaxing with who you are and accepting that your true friends will like you for who you really are – not the mirror image on themselves – you will feel much more comfortable and less exhausted as a result of being the real you, rather than the people-pleasing you.

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Founder of Help For Mums

2 months ago · · 0 comments

Dealing with rejection is within your control

Dealing With Rejection

Rejection comes in many forms:

– A partner letting you go
– A parent’s neglect
– A friend’s lack of respect, support or loyalty

These rejections can stay with you for days, week, months – even years and as a result they can negatively impact on your life.
Rejection is made up of 1 part: your interpretation of external behaviors and the other part: your expectation of people, circumstances and events.

couples counselling with happy lifeWith regards to the first part, we are often not trained from a young age to interpret the attitudes and behaviors of significant others accurately. For instance, parents rarely explain to their children that they are ‘snappy’ today due to their own underlying stress. As a result, children learn to interpret such behaviors as meaning there must be something wrong with them or that they have done something wrong.

With regard to the second part, your expectations also influence your interpretation of events. Thus, in the above example, children have the expectation that parents are there to love them unconditionally, so they need lots of reassurance that even when they misbehave or are spoken to in a less than patient manner – they are still loved.

Coping with rejection

In order to deal with rejection as an adults, it’s important to have realistic expectations and to explain events accurately. Let’s use a career example. When you put your heart and soul into work (as many people do), you are likely to have the expectation that hard work equals validation, recognition and financial rewards. However, this is not necessarily the case. Hard work gives you a better chance of attaining these things, however if you fail to take opportunities, voice your desire for financial incentives/promotions, or ensure the ‘right’ people at work are made aware of the great job you’re doing, you are less likely to achieve the accolades you desire. Consequently you are likely to feel rejected by your employer and may even start to doubt your abilities as a result. However, in the event that you were passed on for promotion, you have the option of viewing this as a sign of your inadequacies, or instead to view it as a reminder that you need to tweak your work process. Thus, your interpretation of the outcome will also influence how rejected you feel in that moment.

The same principles can be applied in relationships. Often in partnerships individuals do not take the time to address issues that are important to them and end up losing too much of themselves in the partnership – for fear of losing the person, or simply to keep the peace. This giving so much of themselves can lead to an expectation of receiving the same or more in return. However, often such grandiose gestures are not reciprocated. This in turn leads to feelings of rejection, as the lack of similar support is viewed as a reflection of themselves rather than of their partners inadequacies.

Overcoming Rejection

In order to avoid feeling rejected, you must change your mindset. Whilst no one likes to feel hurt by another persons actions, the way you respond to this hurt will dictate whether or not you interpret the other persons behavior as a personal rejection or just a problem the other person may need to address within themselves – in other words its their problem – not yours!

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Founder of Help For Mums

Positive Parenting Blog

Positive Parenting Blog