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5 months ago · · 0 comments

How To Stop Being Insecure

How to stop being insecure and learn to trust your instincts

boost self confidenceThe daily punishment you can place your body & mind under – as a result of constant negative feedback – can leave you with a lack of trust in your inner instincts. You can learn over time that it’s not safe to trust that inner voice that tells you it’s time to speak up (particularly when there is a chance you may get hurt).

Why might you feel insecure and not trust your instincts?

Often this happens as a result of rejections and others letting you down. When you feel rejected by someone you love you can easily learn (incorrectly) that you are not a worthy person and also learn that your instincts about this person were not accurate. You can begin to wonder if you really can trust your guidance system that has led you into a situation where pain has been the outcome. Add to this when those you care about regularly let you down, you can learn not to trust your inner guidance system which once again led you to these relationships.
Unfortunately, ignoring your instincts often gets you into trouble, because your internal guidance system is set up to support you in making daily decisions and to inherently protect you. Just think of the amount of times in your life when you ignored internal warning signs about new friends, a colleague at work, or a new partner. Did ignoring your instincts work for or against you? In the instances above, when you might convince yourself that your instincts let you down, it’s most likely that you had a niggling feeling that things were not right, but you were not consciously aware enough of these warning signs to take action. More often than not, your inner voice has tried to warn you about others who may not be the best ‘fit’ for you, but you have allowed your desires ‘in the moment’ to drive your behaviour and hence pushed forward with people who time and time again let you down.

It’s time to listen to your inner voice

The question you need to ask yourself is “when will I start to realise the importance of listening to my instincts?”
When you repeatedly ignore your inner voice you leave yourself vulnerable. You are vulnerable to:
  • being hurt by those who do not truly show you the respect you deserve
  • ignoring potential errors that could lead to future problems
  • rejecting opportunities to stretch your wings and be the person you truly want to be
  • not standing up for yourself
  • others developing an inaccurate picture of you
So you can see, learning to pay attention when your intuition is trying to speak up, is vital to your overall health, happiness and success in life.

Listen to your instincts

Start to listen to your inner voice. Don’t rush into decisions. Give yourself time and permission to do things in your own time. Don’t ignore your inner drives – particularly out of fear. Act – when your instincts tell you to speak up.
A simple way to start tuning in to your inner voice is when you’re going about your daily life. Every day you are placed in positions where you have to make decisions. Driving a car is a perfect example. Put this theory to the test… Now that you are aware of the power of your instincts test what happens when you drive and listen to your instincts, versus when you ignore them. For instance, you are driving your child to school and there is heavy traffic. Your first instinct is to take the short cut, but you ignore that and travel your normal route. This decision to ignore your instincts results in you running 15 minutes late. However, the next day, under the same set of circumstances, you listen to your instincts and turn into the short cut. This decision gets you to school on time. It sounds like a silly example, but I test this decision every single day and 9/10 my first instinct is always right. The reason most people would ignore their first instinct to turn into the shortcut, is fear – worry about taking a risk and making a mistake. This is not the best way to live your life. When you learn to be guided by your internal guidance system, you will be surprised at how much more relaxed you are, how much you boost your self-esteem and self-confidence and how often your guidance systems knows what is in your best interest.
So don’t be afraid to give it a go.
Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac
Founder of Help For Mums and Author of Perfect Mum & Refresh Your Life

6 months ago · · 0 comments

How to cope when you are feeling insecure

Feeling insecure

couples counselling with happy lifeThe feeling of insecurity or feelings of rejection are very painful and can significantly impact on you self-esteem and on your personal and professional relationships. This negative feeling is often very subtle, but can also be experienced in a very intense manner, depending on the circumstance and on your ability to cope and rationalise your feelings at the time.

Feeling insecure stems from childhood experiences (e.g. trauma in childhood or inconsistent parenting), recent rejections (e.g. job insecurity or failure or obtain a new job), or perfectionism (e.g. having too high expectations of yourself). The reason behind your insecurity is important because it impacts on how you deal and cope with feelings of rejection in every day life and how you heal and move forward. However at the core of these three issues is your self-esteem – the value you place on yourself.

When your self esteem is high, you can deal much more effectively with potential rejections, however, when your self-esteem is low, even the smallest possible rejection can get you down. So, at the very least, it is important to build your self esteem.

How insecurity impacts on your life

Insecurity most strongly plays out in personal relationships, in particular when you feel as though you are giving something of yourself to another person and this is not being sufficiently reciprocated, or when you feel you have been unfairly criticised.

Feeling insecure with friends

One of the best ways to begin to reduce feelings of rejection and insecurity, is to separate the value of yourself from your actions. For instance, let’s say you are really busy and decide to offer your assistance to a friend who needs help and your friend says “no thank-you, I’ve just organised my brother to help me”. When you feel insecure, you mid immediately races to thinking “it must be me”. She must not like “me”, or “I” must have done something wrong, for her to say “no”. However, if you separate yourself from your actions, you can take a step back and rationalise that she is not saying “no” to you, she is saying “no” to the action. The action has nothing to do with you – she was in her world, trying to work out a solution that suits her and her brother turned out to be the best solution at that time. In other words, she is not rejecting you, she is simply saying no to your offer of help. You can separate YOU from the OFFER OF HELP.

Feeling insecure with family

Let’s look at another example. Let’s say you spend hours making a delicious meal for your family. You’ve been worrying for a while about whether or not your children are eating enough vegetables, so you spend hours looking over the best kid-friendly vegetable based dinners and cook what you believe is an amazing healthy and delicious meal for them. You present this meal to your family with pride, only to be told it looks and tastes disgusting and there is no way they are eating it. Your initial reaction is to feel very hurt and rejected, because in your mind you believe this means you are either a bad cook, your children don’t like you or care about your feelings, you are never going to be able to get these kids to eat a healthy meal and so on… However, if you were to separate yourself from the action, you could look at the situation differently and try a different approach next time without taking it personally. The fact they do not like the food has nothing to do with you. They simply don’t like the food (the action). They are rejecting the food, not you. So, you can decide in that moment to rethink new ways to present healthy meals, or to sneak healthy vegetables into your child’s diet and put this dinner down to ‘trial no.1’.

Feeling insecure in a relationship

Let’s look at a more personal scenario – feelings of rejection in relationships. The most painful rejection is a break-up, because you interpret this one as “he/she does not like me”, or “there must be something wrong with me”, or “I must have done something wrong”. However, most of the time a break-up is not due to someone doing something wrong. It tends to be both people drifting apart for a variety of reasons, or that one person has issues with commitment, it’s bad timing and so on. So in this scenario you can still separate yourself from the action. Yes, it still takes time to mend the pain because you will miss the other person being a part of your life. However, the way you deal with this break up and the impact it has on your level of insecurity moving forward is directly related to your perception of the separation. You can see it for what it is – the other person is not rejecting you. They are simply saying “no” to the relationship at this time – not “no” to YOU as a person. This is a difficult one for many people to get their head around, but it is an important one to grasp because relationship break-ups can have a devastating impact on your self-worth. Incompatibility has nothing to do with the worth of a person and more to do with values, beliefs, what each person deems acceptable in a relationship and what each person is willing to accept or not willing to accept in the relationship. So, often in relationships it’s the compatibility that is being evaluated, not the person’s worth – and this is the KEY to understanding YOU are not being rejected, the COMPATIBILITY of both of you within the relationship is what is being rejected, so it cannot and should not impact on your self-worth.

The key to reducing insecurity

In these scenarios, the key is to stop yourself when you begin to feel insecure, or rejected. You know what that feels like (e.g. it usually starts with a funny feeling in your tummy because your stomach is the feeling centre of your body), so you can begin to rethink your reactions to rejection the moment you start to feel rejected. Then try to separate yourself from the action with which you are feeling rejected and rationalise that this action is not a reflection of your self-worth. In doing so, you will begin the journey towards higher self-worth and not allowing feelings of insecurity to take over or ruin your life.

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Founder of Help for Mums and Author of Perfect Mum and Refresh Your Life

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7 months ago · · 0 comments

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

Being a people pleaser

The law of attraction suggests we pick up on others energies and if we are not mindful, we will internalise these outward feelings as our own. It’s incredible how many people lose themselves in the process of trying to please others. This does not mean that you should not try to make others happy. It is a very nice part of humanity to gain joy from giving joy to others. However, when you start to second guess how others are feeling, or take their feelings on as though they are your own, it becomes a problem.

Fear of Rejection

A large part of worrying about what others think, also comes from fear of getting into trouble – or upsetting others. Unfortunately a by-product of being a nice person, can result in becoming a people-pleaser. This sounds nice on one level, but it can cause a great deal of stress when it comes at the sacrifice of your needs and desires. Further, when you continuously put your needs last – in order to people others – resentment and guilt are often not far behind.

In order to change automatic reactions and habits it’s important to consciously recognise the relationships that tend to bring on people-pleasing behaviour and then to approach every new interaction with the resolve to be true to yourself and not simply agree with others, so as not to offend them. For instance, if you are a parent and you have a belief about how children should be put to sleep (which is in complete opposition to a friend’s) it would be much more healthy for you to acknowledge your friend’s belief and still raise your personal views. What most people do is say nothing (or agree) with opposing beliefs and then end up feeling angry and offended, rather than addressing the issue first hand. In doing so, the peace may have been kept – but at what cost to your soul and self-esteem?

Feeling insecure?

Most of us have an innate desire to be liked, so we often go out of our way to make others happy and to keep the peace. However, this does not have to come at the cost of yourself – in other words – you don’t have to lose yourself in relationships in order to be happy. By relaxing with who you are and accepting that your true friends will like you for who you really are – not the mirror image on themselves – you will feel much more comfortable and less exhausted as a result of being the real you, rather than the people-pleasing you.

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Founder of Help For Mums