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3 months ago · · 0 comments

How To Build Self Esteem Through Your Relationships

How To Build Self Esteem Through Your Relationships

There is a lot written about how low self-esteem can impact on your relationships (e.g. through insecurity, jealousy and mistrust). However, what is often forgotten is the impact that having poor or high quality friends can have on your level of self-esteem.

Studies looking at adolescence (a very important time for friendship development and subsequent identity development) show clear impacts of the quality of friends on girl’s self-esteem (particularly the friendships they have with boys). A study looking at the relationship between friendship quality and self-esteem in adolescent boys and girls found:

“… that girls’ self-esteem was significantly lower than boys’ self-esteem and that girls rated their relationships as stronger, more interpersonally rewarding, and more stressful than boys did….As expected, girls’ self-esteem was positively correlated with the friendship quality of their cross-gender best friend.”1

mums making friendsResearch shows us that when we are happy within our friendships, the way we feel about ourselves (our self worth) is much higher and we are much less likely to suffer from low self-esteem

But why does having good relationships impact on our self worth so significantly?

Our self-esteem and self-worth are a combination of our internal messages (what we say to ourselves) and our internal beliefs, as well as the messages we absorb about ourselves from the outside world. The messages we tend to take on board and believe the most, often come from those we love, admire and respect the most.

Our relationships with friends, family members and partners have the greatest impact on us and can be our greatest asset, or our greatest enemy to  self-esteem.  In intimate relationships, it’s also very easy to take each other for granted, particularly if you have been together for a long time. If your relationship is not regularly tended to, complacency can quickly set in, leading to regularly snapping at each other and talking in a negative manner towards the person who arguably should be treated like a true best friend.

People often assume others should just know how they feel about them and so don’t take the time to tell others how they feel, or what they mean to them. In addition, tiredness, irritability and exhaustion, which we all experience from time to time, can lead to a less than kind communication style within partnerships and families and things can then be taken the wrong way (e.g. a partner’s snappiness, or tiredness could be misconstrued as not caring, simply due to lack of clear, calm and respectful communication). Further, during arguments people often say things they don’t really mean, but these negative comments stay with those receiving them. Last, but not least, in friendships, those that are not assertive can be taken advantage of and neglected, simply because they will be the least likely to complain later on.

As a parent it is important to be aware of our child’s self esteem and the impact that friends can have on a child’s self worth, particularly when they begin to become interested in dating. Throughout life, intimate partners play a significant role on our self esteem and self confidence. This is why, the best thing you can do in a relationship is to make sure you are close friends (best friends is preferable) and that you never compromise on trust and respect in the partnership. By following these 3 guidelines you will maintain a healthy relationship and both people in the relationship will also maintain a healthy self esteem too.

The take home message

  • Be mindful of your communication style with significant people in your life.
  • Don’t be afraid to be assertive and speak up when you feel you are not being treated kingly or with respect.
  • Look after your health because this plays a significant role in how you feel and then how you communicate as a result of your internal emotions.

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Personal Development Coach & Author


1 Thomas, J.J. & Daubman, K.A. Sex Roles (2001) 45: 53.

1 year ago · · 0 comments

Why It’s So Important to Increase Self-Esteem

self confidence at workThe underlying cause of a lot of unhappiness is low self-esteem (a lack of confidence in your own worth or abilities). Self-esteem is the product of your life history, genes and circumstance. Low self-esteem is usually coupled with insecurity and self-doubt. These negative aspects of the ‘self’ have a nasty habit of causing self sabotage and reducing confidence.

It’s heartbreaking to witness how low self-esteem debilitates ones life through fear and doubt. The cruelest part of low self-esteem is that no matter how strong your belief is about how much you believe you deserve something, low self-esteem will find a way to ruin any chances of success unless you manage or heal it.

Let’s look at the example in relationships. It’s a strong desire for most people to attract and maintain a loving, supportive and fun intimate partner. When the relationship is yet to manifest, the desire intensifies until the universe nicely conspires to place you at the right place at the right time to form this potential partnership. If your self-esteem is moderate to high you will be yourself, show your best qualities and allow the relationship to grow organically. However, if your self-esteem is low you will panic at the slightest perception your potential partner has lost interest, behave in ways inconsistent with your true values and sacrifice much more of yourself than is appropriate in order to sustain a relationship that deep down you don’t believe you truly deserve.

Read the Full article here to learn Why It’s So Important to Increase Self-Esteem

Self esteem tip: How to know it’s time for a break

2 years ago · · 0 comments

Self esteem tip: How to know it’s time for a break

Low self esteem can result from being overworked and feeling burnt out

I am a very driven person. It’s something I learnt from my mother who has an amazing ability to decide she wants something and then go for it. My internal drive pushes me through when I feel like I have nothing left to give. However, the down side is it can be difficult to know when to stop, when to take a break, or when to shift focus.

Over the years I have learnt various ways to identify there is a need to stop and also now ensure I schedule a week off once a year to rest and recuperate.

increase positive thinkingWhy it’s important to take a break for your self confidence and self esteem

One of the things that happens as a result of burn out is poor decision making. The consequence of pore decision making is usually negative feedback. When you think of building your self esteem and self confidence, a great deal is based on your perceptions on yourself and these are based on internal and external validation.

When you feeling burnt out you begin to increase self criticism, have a tendency to judge yourself too harshly and can assume you are being judged negatively by others also. As a result your internal validation is very low and you perceive your external validation to be low also. Both of these things are a recipe for poor Self esteem.

So how do you know it’s time to take a break?

One of the most obvious signs is when you feel like you are pushing against the flow rather than travelling along the flow. In other words things feel like a real struggle. This often happens when you’re feeling burnt out in business. Your ideas don’t flow as easily, you feel like you’re pushing people to buy your products and you’re no longer truly enjoying the process.

When you feel you are working too hard and not enjoying the flow or seeing any real progress, it’s time to take a break. It’s not time to quit. This is not the time to give up, but rather to give yourself headspace to come up with more innovative ideas to grown and succeed in your endeavours.

So protect and manage your self esteem and self confidence regularly and take a break whenever you start to feel the signs of potential burn out.

For assistance to improve your self esteem and gain self confidence visit

Positive Parenting Blog

Positive Parenting Blog