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9 months ago · · 0 comments

Depression After Baby: What can you do to reduce this?

Depression After Baby

depression after babyDepression after baby is becoming more common than we would like in modern society. What do you do if you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or exhausted after having a baby? Do you ignore your feelings, or think about getting support? There is a misconception that parenting should come easy. With all the pressures that befall mothers today, it’s very common to feel out of control as a new mum, to ignore these feelings and then to allow these feelings to seep into depression after having your baby.

There has never been more depression and anxiety in motherhood. However, both anxiety and depression after baby are not very well recognised by mothers. In fact recent research highlights that many mothers experience symptoms of postnatal depression, such as feeling overwhelmed, stressed, overly emotional. Mothers often do not recognise these feelings as potential signs of depression or anxiety after having a baby, or do not believe their symptoms are ‘bad enough’ to warrant help. If you are a mum reading this, can you relate to this?

As a mother, how much do you expect yourself to be PERFECT?

How does trying to be the perfect mum impact on having depression after baby?

Just today a friend was telling me about three different mothers she knows who have not been coping very well since becoming mothers.  The first one has begun to lash out at her child physically, the second one has begun crying uncontrollably and the third mum has squashed her emotions and is finding it difficult to enjoy being a new mother as a result. All three mothers have battled with feelings of sadness, stress, pressure and low self-confidence for many years (even before having children), yet not one of these mums has sought professional help.

Why are these mothers waiting until things get so bad to even admit to having problems? Why are they so ashamed to ask for professional help – even when it’s impacting so significantly on their personal lives? There are a range of reasons for this. Fear of judgement, fear of appearing weak, not wanting to let other people down or not wanting to be stigmatised as a failure are common reasons.

The factor that most mothers do not consider are:

  1. seeking help significantly improved a mothers health and happiness
  2. seeking help makes coping with parenting much easier
  3. seeking help is private and no-one needs to know
  4. seeking help creates a positive influence for children and
  5. seeking help reducing negative responses in mothers such as snappiness

Being the Perfect Mum is not the Goal of Parenting – The Goal is to Be The Best Mum YOU Can Be For YOUR Child

Every parent and expert thinks they have the answer to parenting, but this could not be further from the truth. In fact, the plethora of views on parenting has influenced the increase in mothers feeling depression after having a baby. We have research and theories on parenting that work for some and not for others. Children are unique. You are unique. No two families are the same, so we cannot place our values and beliefs on others, because we are not walking in their shoes. All we can do is observe the outcome of parenting on a whole family.

If things are not looking right (e.g. people are not healthy, happy, safe, or secure) then something needs to be changed. This ‘something’ though is up for debate and discussion. There is no single one way to parent. As a parent your sole responsibility is to be the BEST VERSION OF YOU possible. Then you adjust your parenting style to meet the needs of your child/ren. You will adjust things as you go along. You can take on board the opinions and beliefs of experts and well-meaning others, but the only thing you need to consider, is how well your child/ren are doing. That’s all that matters.

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, depressed or emotional don’t wait until you feel out of control, or until things start to go wrong in your personal life. Send an email, or pick up the phone and seek help. You can start by sending us and email at info@helpformums.com or contact the Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE). You owe it to yourself to make yourself a priority too.

Depression After BabyLizzie O’Halloran, Founder of Help For Mums & Author of Perfect Mum and Refresh Your Life

 

 

2 years ago · · 0 comments

Are You Tired of Being the Doormat in Your Relationships?

It’s interesting to note that one of the by-products of being a nice person and wanting relationships to work – is accepting less than you are worth just to either keep the peace, or to try to avoid the possibility of someone leaving you.

Women are the most likely candidates for this behaviour. Many women get drawn into the media hype surrounding age and babies and end up believing they have to meet someone before it’s too late. Others interpret failed relationships as a reflection of being unworthy or unloveable. In both instances, when such women meet a potential partner, they put up with much more than they normally would, out of fear the relationship might end.

All relationships need compromise, however this type of compromise refers to behaviours such as accepting friends and family you may not get along with, accepting hobbies and passions you may not find interesting and giving up things you love during times when a partner needs support. These compromises are very different to compromising on being treated with respect (eg accepting your partner regularly ignoring you, or not considering your feelings and needs) or compromising on trust (eg accepting your partner having an emotional affair, or accepting your partners hot & cold feelings towards you based on daily moods).

At the heart of every relationship there must be a strong foundation. Therefore, at the beginning of any new relationship you must be clear about your values and speak up when behaviours make you feel uncomfortable.

I can recall being 16 years of age dating my first real boyfriend who turned out to be a very bad mistake on my behalf – we live and learn. Every time he would come to pick me up from home in his car, he would just beep the horn outside and expect me to run outside. One day, I thought to myself that I was not comfortable with this disrespectful behaviour. So, I waited and waited. Instead of walking up to the door, he drove off. When he arrived home he called me and was furious when I told him I wasn’t going to be treated like that any more. Well, he soon learnt and began to knock on the door to greet me and never again honked the horn outside. Whilst this relationship didn’t work out, I gained huge respect for myself and I learnt how to stand up for myself without fear of consequence.

In all relationships, we must inform others of how we want to be treated. For instance, telling a friend you are not comfortable with her cancelling plans at the last minute regularly, or telling a child you don’t appreciate being spoken to in an aggressive/sharp tone. These boundaries should not be compromised. When you allow yourself to cross that line you never feel good about it, regardless of how well you try to convince yourself there is an excuse or reason behind certain behaviours.

The key ingredient necessary here is self respect. When you respect and value yourself, you feel confident enough to trust that you will always have people who love you in your life. Thus, if others will only be with you if you devalue yourself, you cancouples counselling with happy life walk away with confidence.

We all want to be loved and cared for, but at what cost? By all means give of yourself to care for others, but never compromise on respect and trust. You deserve more.

For more inspiration and support visit: http://www.helpformums.com

2 years ago · · 0 comments

For long term relationship success – Be your partners best friend

couples counselling with happy lifeCreating a strong foundation of friendship

I’ve spoken a fair bit about how easy it can be to take those close to you for granted. This common mistake happens regularly stops couples from protecting their self esteem in intimate relationships and within close friendships/families and often ends in broken hearts.

The craziness of modern life can often lead to placing your focus in the wrong place, assuming that those you love will always be there. However, when we look at our heirachy of importance in relationships, those we care deeply for must come first or at least be tended to regularly, in order to sustain a healthy relationship.

Whilst attracting the right partner can seem like the toughest part, maintaining a healthy and happy relationship that stands the test of time is much harder. The underlying foundation of relationships with such longevity is true friendship – being best friends, feeling attracted to each other and feeling comfortable in open and honest communication.

Wedding planners often tell me it is not uncommon these days for a couple to spend around $100,000 on a wedding. It’s no wonder when you think about the fact that the idea of the romantic wedding is engrained into children from a very young age. Yet, the statistics show that there is a 50% divorce rate, indicating that these unions have a 50% chance of breaking up.

Best Friendships are the most powerful

erasing the pastWhilst there are a number of reasons why marriages fail, one reason is that partners are not the best of friends before walking down the isle (or committing to each other in a de-facto relationship). Part of being best friends involves enjoying spending time together, looking forward to seeing each other/speaking to each other and committing to being a team. Many individuals within a partnership can’t wait to spend time with other people in their lives who appear to be more fun (eg avoiding a nagging partner at home). In doing so resentment builds up and couples move further and further away from friendship – and eventually the demise of their relationships.

If you’re currently in a committed relationship take time to really look at your partner regularly and remind yourself of why you fell in love in the first place. Think about what first attracted you to each other, focus on how you would feel if you ever lost this person. It’s vital to get in touch with these feelings regularly so that you never lose sight of what’s really important to you.

If you are single, or in a new relationship ensure you look for a compatible partner that you are attracted to, but most importantly that you truly like spending time with, in order to develop a true best friendship over time. Begin with a great foundation and you will develop a partnership for life that can stand the rest of time.

For more Free self esteem support and to learn how to build self esteem and gain confidence visit Happy Life at: www.selfesteemonline.com.au or follow us on Twitter at: @perfect_mums or on Instagram at: @how_to_build_self_esteem