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1 month ago · · 0 comments

How to Deal With Rejection – The 3 Best Steps You Can Take Today

When you learn how to deal with rejection, your whole life changes for the better

Have you ever been really mad at a friend, ignored them for a while to calm down and then just picked up the friendship again as if nothing happened? This is often the way that people learn how to deal with rejection. They get mad, stew over it for a while, feel bad later for ignoring the person who rejected them, then continue the friendship. However, the problem with doing this is there is built up resentment,

Learning how to deal with rejection is often associated with confrontation

how to deal with rejectionOne of the most difficult parts of friendships is dealing with confrontation. Often you can be scared to tell friends or partners they have hurt you, for fear you may be rejected. If you come from a family in which confrontation is not handled well, you are likely to take this awkwardness into your extended relationships. For instance, if every time you tell a family member she hurt you, you are attacked or criticised for being insensitive, you will be fearful of doing the same with others. Regardless of whether or not you believe you are right or wrong.

The problem with not standing up for yourself though, is that it builds up resentment. If you allow others to treat you disrespectfully on a regular basis, you are also likely to build low self esteem.

In this blog I am going to show you 3 easy and effective strategies you can use to stand up for yourself, without having to worry about what your friends might think or say. The key is in believing you deserve to be treated with respect and trusting you have a right to stand up for yourself when it’s appropriate and warranted.

The 3 Best Steps For Learning How To Deal With Rejection

STEP 1: CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY

Think about what really matters to you and what’s worth fighting for. Some battles are best left alone. These are the ones that slightly bother you, but you don’t really care too much about them. For instance, whether your friend is 10 minutes late to pick you up from time to time. Others (particularly when there is a consequence) are important. These are worth taking a stand over. For example, being ignore by your best friend on a social outing with her new work friends.

Being late a few times is likely to be something you can laugh about or manage. However, being ignore by your best friend when she’s trying to impress others, is not acceptable. So the latter is important to talk about so that it doesn’t happen again.

It’s important to choose your battles wisely so that when you do stand up for yourself you have the impact you desire. This way, you won’t be viewed as someone who is ‘difficult’ or just complains a lot. Also, when you are standing up for something you really believe in, it gives you the confidence to say something without worrying about what other think. The cause you are standing up for outweighs the worry of upsetting someone else.

how to deal with rejection - free self esteem guide

 

 

STEP 2: START EARLY

It’s important to respond to behaviour in the moment. It is much more difficult and stressful to stew over things and to then attempt to bring them up out of context.

Let’s look at an Example

Your friend organises with you to catch up in a few days time. You contact her the day before the event to finalise the arrangements. You hear nothing. The next day, you hear nothing until the afternoon. At this time she proceeds to tell you that something came up and she couldn’t make it, but she’s happy to meet another day.

What’s wrong here?

a) She never called you to explain her situation

b) She didn’t give you an opportunity to make other plans

c) She put her own needs above yours

d) She has assumed that you have nothing else to do and are happy to just go along with her reschedule

e) This is the 5th time she has done something like this to you

Based on items a) to e) above, it’s well above time to say something.

You have a number of options in such a scenario.

  • Tell her you are no longer available and you had specifically put this time aside for her
  • Ask her to explain why she never called you
  • Ask her to give you some notice next time

It’s important in this scenario for your friend to understand the behaviour is disrespectful. However, it’s just as important for you to be assertive, otherwise your friend assumes you are just so easy going that anything goes.

It is an unfortunate part of human nature that some people will take advantage of others if they do not show how they really like to be treated. This is not because humans are inherently mean. It’s more a reflection of how busy everyone is and that people live in a world of competing demands. So you friend might rationalise that your needs are not as important, because you’ll accept anything.

STEP 3: ASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS

This is a really important one and often gets people into trouble. It’s easy to expect that all friendships should be the same and subsequently all friends should treat you equally. However, this could not be further from the truth. There are the basics in relationships like kindness, fun, respect, but the time and priorities others have for you will differ depending on your level of friendship. So, it’s really important to categorise your friends and to raise or lower your expectations of these friendships accordingly.

Let’s look at an Example

A friend from school that you see occasionally for coffee, should not be expected to see you as often as a close friend that you have had for many years. This friend is also not expected to be as reliable, or someone you can confide in all the time, or ask for regular support. These should be reserved for closer friends that you have invested in over time and who have shown you they are invested in your friendship.

Start learning how to deal with rejection today

The next time you fee rejected by a friend, go through these three steps to ensure:

  1. The battle is worth having
  2. You stand up for yourself in-the-moment
  3. That you have assessed your level of frustration matches your level of friendship

how to deal with rejection - free self esteem guide

 

 

 

lizzie o'halloran - how to deal with rejectionLizzie O’Halloran

Author of Perfect Mum & Refresh Your Life

Founder of Help For Mums

9 months ago · · 0 comments

Dealing with rejection is within your control

Dealing With Rejection

Rejection comes in many forms:

– A partner letting you go
– A parent’s neglect
– A friend’s lack of respect, support or loyalty

These rejections can stay with you for days, week, months – even years and as a result they can negatively impact on your life.
Rejection is made up of 1 part: your interpretation of external behaviors and the other part: your expectation of people, circumstances and events.

couples counselling with happy lifeWith regards to the first part, we are often not trained from a young age to interpret the attitudes and behaviors of significant others accurately. For instance, parents rarely explain to their children that they are ‘snappy’ today due to their own underlying stress. As a result, children learn to interpret such behaviors as meaning there must be something wrong with them or that they have done something wrong.

With regard to the second part, your expectations also influence your interpretation of events. Thus, in the above example, children have the expectation that parents are there to love them unconditionally, so they need lots of reassurance that even when they misbehave or are spoken to in a less than patient manner – they are still loved.

Coping with rejection

In order to deal with rejection as an adults, it’s important to have realistic expectations and to explain events accurately. Let’s use a career example. When you put your heart and soul into work (as many people do), you are likely to have the expectation that hard work equals validation, recognition and financial rewards. However, this is not necessarily the case. Hard work gives you a better chance of attaining these things, however if you fail to take opportunities, voice your desire for financial incentives/promotions, or ensure the ‘right’ people at work are made aware of the great job you’re doing, you are less likely to achieve the accolades you desire. Consequently you are likely to feel rejected by your employer and may even start to doubt your abilities as a result. However, in the event that you were passed on for promotion, you have the option of viewing this as a sign of your inadequacies, or instead to view it as a reminder that you need to tweak your work process. Thus, your interpretation of the outcome will also influence how rejected you feel in that moment.

The same principles can be applied in relationships. Often in partnerships individuals do not take the time to address issues that are important to them and end up losing too much of themselves in the partnership – for fear of losing the person, or simply to keep the peace. This giving so much of themselves can lead to an expectation of receiving the same or more in return. However, often such grandiose gestures are not reciprocated. This in turn leads to feelings of rejection, as the lack of similar support is viewed as a reflection of themselves rather than of their partners inadequacies.

Overcoming Rejection

In order to avoid feeling rejected, you must change your mindset. Whilst no one likes to feel hurt by another persons actions, the way you respond to this hurt will dictate whether or not you interpret the other persons behavior as a personal rejection or just a problem the other person may need to address within themselves – in other words its their problem – not yours!

Lizzie O’Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac

Founder of Help For Mums